That's A Wrap

So the underdogs couldn't overcome a motivated Kobe Bryant with a Springsteen underbite. Pau Gasol redeemed himself after last final's disappearing act and Derek Fisher decided to be clutch after being considered borderline worthless the previous three rounds. And thus, the Magicians fell in 5 games. Them's the breaks.

No problem, I can take plenty of solace that the scrappy, live-by-the-three-die-by-the-three Magic were able to overcome the '91 Chicago Bulls Reincarnated aka the Cleveland Cavaliers. All those ESPN analysts and their years of experience in following the NBA sure proved useful there. Let's take a look again just to make sure:



Oops. Made a mistake. This is the correct one:


There we are.

Over-The-Hill NBA Loudmouth and Tweetér Aficionado Shaquille O'Neal was perhaps the biggest loser in all of this. Stan Van Gundy panicked his way into the NBA Finals while Kobe secured a ring without the overweight gasbag's assistance. Word from the grapevine is that the ole Diesel wants out of Phoenix and may be headed to Cleveland to team up with Bron Bron. Reeks of a desperation move by both sides, Snaq is reeling for that 5th ring and the Cavalier front office is in "must find someone to matchup to Dwight Howard" mode. Of course the obvious answer to that problem is to employ a lazy, overpaid 37-year-old block of concrete who's also a potential locker room cancer. Right.

Moving forward, crazed swingman Hedo Turkoglu is up for free agency. The good news is that Magic management is willing to open the pocketbook a little wider and allow the team to go into luxury tax to sign him. Guess Rich DeVos' pyramid schemes are going swimmingly. In addition to Hedo being resigned, getting rid of the dead weight that is Tony Battie for a better power forward (Antonio McDyess please) is another likely objective.

Another pressing issue is what to do with Rafer Alston. It became clear during the Finals that he was uncomfortable being benched for long periods of time as starting point-guard Jameer Nelson was finally healthy enough to get some burn. I question whether bringing Nelson back was a good idea, however I couldn't tell who between Alston or Nelson was coming back from a 4-month injury. I believe at one point in the series, Alston was shooting at a scorching 17% from the field. Dragging a team through the mud with shitty shot selection, bad passes, and general ball-hogging doesn't really bring your stock up. Rafer's pretty much roadkill for the team's future.

So that's that. This year's draft pretty much blows ass. It's essentially Blake Griffin and a throng of primadonna point guards who'll eventually become role players. McLame. Free agency will be more interesting, the Detroit Pistons are having a firesale and the New Orleans Hornets are hemorrhaging money with pretty much everyone aside from Chris Paul being a financial liability. The landscape could be very different come November.

Two more things:

-The celebrity gossip circuit has been hinting that Rihanna apparently has the hots for Rashard (Money) Lewis. I guess she wants in on that 120 million dollar contract of his.

-Batshit insane Houston Rockets small forward Ron Artest's twitter validates the entire service. With choice quotes such as:

"Yo maybe I should ball in Europe. Got offered 20 mil, a boat, and I can start 1 brawl a year, no questions asked. They got a Detroit there?"

"People be takin' my tweets as too sincere. This bidness is just a joke, like American Bandstand, not serious shit like Soul Train."

Rich. Look forward to posts (finally) about music again.

NBA Finals: Magic vs. Lakers (Game 1)

You got no fear of the underdog. That's why you will not survive.

Magic vs Cavaliers - Part 1

"Well look I already told you! I deal with the goddamn players so Lebron doesn't have to! I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?!"

Playoffs Round 2: MAGIC v CELTICS Game 6 (Post-Game)

If Otis really wanted to impress me, he'd pull this one: Tyronn Lue to the Lakers for Halle Berry and cash considerations.


---


In more pertinent news, Rafer Alston may be suspended from Game 7 for kissing this official at the end of the Magic's Game 6 victory. As shown, he is clearly making contact above the head which is in violation of the NBA rules.

We're giving it away...

Sigh. It's been very difficult for me to sit down and write an honest post in the wake of the Magic's last two atrocity exhibitions. Well, okay, atrocity is too strong a word, and yet I still feel sick to my stomach, if only for having to come to terms with the fact that Shaq's "master of panic" barb now seems to hit extremely close to home.

Window shades ought to unravel, not so pro basketball teams. To watch the Magic fold the game up in a scented envelope the way they did last night was to realize just how mentally taxing being a serious fan of Orlando hoops really is. Is this an NBA title-winning team? The answer at this point is a clear "not yet."

With that said, having now wrestled with consecutive defeats over the course of 72 hours, I feel my personal fandom only gaining resilience. Maybe this makes no sense at all, but the losses somehow seem like money in the bank. It's probably my Catholic upbringing that does it, but it's always been my belief that a healthy amount of suffering naturally precedes the blinding heights of any achievement. Sickening, no? I maintain that all the calluses simply serve to let you walk longer over the hot coals. Or something.

I won't analyze these past two games because to do so would be excessively traumatic. Besides, no one's paying me to write this stuff (or even paying attention?). Instead, go read those slasher flicks known as "recaps" over at ESPN or Yahoo!

What I will do, briefly, is reflect on the apparent crumbling of the Magic's coach-player relationship (something my Dad, perhaps a little less prone to avoiding the truth right in front of him, has been on about for some time now). Now, obviously, I haven't the authority to attack Orlando's coaching staff for anything other than (perhaps) some of their personal grooming habits. On the other hand, the most obvious symptoms of a communication breakdown can be read on the faces of players in late-game huddles. Van Gundy has quite clearly lost his players' respect and this is a fatal, fatal occurrence if it is indeed true.

Jeez, I still don't want to believe it, and yet Dwight Howard's post-game press conference all but confirms that Stan has driven the team too hard. Normally I wouldn't approve of such open criticism directed from player to coach, but given SVG's record for criticizing his team before the media, this is simply a case of what goes around comes around. Some time ago he was quoted (in response to Shaq's comments) as saying that he was an insensitive person. I remember exactly how much of an effort it required to smother the overwhelming stench of his defensiveness.

The B.L.? Something needs to happen this post-season if things are going to be right with the Magic. I respect that the series isn't over yet, but as far as I'm concerned, Orlando's championship hopes for this season died last night circa 10:20pm. The guys need to have a Hoosiers-esque coming together. There are still square pegs jostling for circular spaces, and no, –sadly – I'm not talking about when John Goodman goes to town on a bucket of cheese cubes.


The Bull Shit.


Also, what the hell was going on with the refs rescinding that clear 24-second violation call? It's hard enough to win in the playoffs, you don't need the officials actively working against you as well...

Come on, get a room...

This keeps popping up on ESPN.

Playoffs Round 2: MAGIC v CELTICS Game 3 (Post-Game)

"yeeuh boi"

Easy come, easy go. Eyewitness accounts from those who were in attendance of the game mentioned a noble figure yelling "RONDO SUCKS" during the national anthem and a raucous atmosphere throughout the contest. The Magicians were in firm control for almost the entire game even with Alston being scolded for his Uncle Phil slap on Eddie House. Courtney Lee, inspite of not playing for about 10 days, didn't miss a step. And Ray Allen still could not get anything going, is JJ Redick actually playing defense? The C's had a brief window of opportunity towards the end of the 3rd quarter when Jackie Moon flopped D12 into his 4th foul and sending him to the bench. However, this was squashed by Rashedo Turkoglewis, who had a total of 52 points. Anthony Johnson also took his geritol and Centrum 50 before the game because he turned into Baron Davis out there. In a fit of rage, Kendrick Perkins attempted to give pretty boy Redick a Glasgow smile, as shown below:


Bad move slick. In addition to checking Pietrus in the throat, Perk may have to sit out Game 4 with the NBA being so trigger happy with suspensions these days. Big Baby as the only real meaningful big guy up front for Boston would spell doom for them.

Playoffs Round 2: MAGIC v CELTICS Game 2 (Post-Game)

Yeah, yeah, an egg was layed. Eddie House and Rajon Rondo are sniffing too much of Kevin Garnett's douche fumes these days. Whatever.

So as a consolation, here's an amusing clip about the New York Knicks



Didja hear that BOSTON?!

C Lee "likely" to gear up for Game 3 in Orlando

Via ESPN:

Magic guard Courtney Lee, who had surgery last week to repair a fractured sinus, likely will be available for Friday's Game 3 when the conference semifinals against the Celtics return to Orlando, according to a report in the Boston Globe.

Lee has played extremely well for a rookie in his first-ever post-season, shooting 48% from the field with an average of 12.6 points per game. He had a career high performance in scoring in Game 2 against the Philadelphia 76ers, when he had 24 points on the strength of 59% from the field. He also had three steals.

As we previously relayed, Lee will be required to wear a protective mask when he returns to play. It's uncertain how the new equipment will affect him on his first game back. He has also missed the last 3 Magic post-season games. Nonetheless, given Lee's outstanding performance all season long, he can be expected to contribute extensively to the Magic's bid to reach the Eastern Conference Finals once he re-establishes his rhythm.

Playoffs Round 2: MAGIC v CELTICS Game 3 (Post-Game)

At the end of regulation the score stood Magic 95, Celtics 90. For Orlando fans, tonight's game hardly seems like a win, so exasperating was the Magic's atrocious second half performance. Relinquishing most of a 28-point lead, the team struggled on both ends of the court, failing to find the threes that fell so freely in the first half as the Celtics laid on the full-court press.

Still, a "W" is a "W" and, as any NBA fan will tell you, the primary goal of a lower-seeded team in the playoffs is to take one game from its opponent on the road. What the Magic need to do now is watch a ton of video from tonight's game and clamp down. They need to be ready for the press when it inevitably comes. They have the match-up advantage down low, but they won't always be able to rely on Ray Allen going cold from all over.

Lewis (18 points, 7 rebounds, 3 steals) played well in the post, but Turkoglu continues to wobble on the majority of his possessions - turning the ball over on basic mistakes and hurling idiot passes. Dwight Howard had a very solid game with 16 points, 22 rebounds, 3 blocks, and 3 assists, while J.J. Redick (12 points) surprised almost everyone by outscoring Ray Allen (9 points).

The Magic cannot hope to win a series against the Celtics if they continue to unravel in the third and fourth quarters. They have to meet the Celtics' intensity and fight a lot harder on every possession if they're going to see this through. They can absolutely do it, especially with the Celtics throwing away points early on, but this is round 2 and getting through round 2 requires elevating your game another notch. Both teams have lost talent to injury – to some extent it makes their competition fairer. The Magic win this series by grabbing the wheel and refusing to let go.

Let's just hope they've got the claws.

BOX SCORE

The Rumble In The Jungle (Magic versus Celtics)

The legendary Bulls vs. Celtics series came to a rather anticlimactic end thanks in part to Vinny Del Negro's inability to make proper defensive adjustments in addition to his tendency to binge on 20-second timeouts. Some blame also falls on Ben Gordon going ice cold and dragging the Bulls through the mud with a "no-pass, no-defense, i'm-the-hero" mentality with a bevy of terrible shots.

The next round is up, with the boys in blue facing the big green machine. The Celtics have slowly been running out of frontcourt players due to injuries with Perkins and Big Baby as the remainders. Mikki Moore, in spite of looking like a total badass, is completely worthless and Scatterbrain can't even post-up a guard without getting stripped of the ball. The Magicians meanwhile are without Courtney Lee's whose nose got smashed by D-12's shotgun elbows as well as all-star pointman Jameer Nelson, whom every damned analyst seems to forget about when citing difficulties for the Magic.

The Magic bigs have an advantage over the Celtics, Rashard "Money" Lewis especially has an upper-hand over the shorter Big Baby. The Celtics have an edge with Pierce and Allen. The key matchup is the one at point-guard. As shown here, Rafer Alston and Rajon Rondo have given each other fits in each of their meetings.

The key to victory is that the Magic need to make sure they have more points than the Celtics at the end of the 4th quarter. This would be incredibly helpful and may perhaps lead to a few wins.

A look ahead at summer movies

The summer ahead appears heavy on sci-fi and action adventure movies that could actually be very good. Here we have some commentary.

1 May 2009
X-Men Origins: Wolverine


Before we even talk about whether or not this movie is going to be any good, let me just say that this summer represents the fulfillment of not just one, but two, of my childhood fantasies for silver screen adaptations. One of my dreams was a movie about Wolverine, who has always been my favorite of the X-Men. The other was a movie that focused on the post-apocalyptic future alluded to in the first two Terminator movies. Check aaaaaaand check.

Now, having seen a couple of previews for this movie, I have to say this looks pretty lackluster. The X-Men trilogy was fairly unimpressive in terms of presenting any sort of compelling plot you'd ever want to revisit. What it did have was a lot of great special effects and nearly flawless casting (whoever had the vision to cast a Broadway actor as one of the most prototypically masculine comic book heroes of all time definitely earned his or her pay check).

I will go see this movie with extremely low expectations and most likely leave the theater saying that I had fun.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine on imdb

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8 May 2009
Star Trek


I've never loved Star Trek, but I have been known to make free with references to the Borg. I don't know if the Borg show up in this J.J. Abrams-directed resuscitation attempt, but if they do I will surely enjoy the movie at least ten times more. If you don't know what the Borg is, well, I feel bad for you son. I got ninety-nine problems but the Borg ain't one.

Star Trek on imdb

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21 May 2009
Terminator Salvation


People tell me they can't take this movie seriously following Christian Bale's now infamously viral vituperation against some member of the TS film crew. Let it also be said that these (two) people are not ardent Terminator fans. I, on the other hand, am very excited for this movie and will probably watch it on the day it comes out. Why? We get to find out more about the eerily familiar-sounding works of the SkyNet corporation and finally see the man Edward Furlong grew up to become thrash some murderous, skeletal automatons across desert highways and ruined metropolises. Post-apocalypse is in fact the finest milieu the action movie biz has ever presented.

Trailer

Terminator Salvation on imdb

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29 May 2009
Up


Visually, this movie is Pixar par excellence. Based on what I've seen in the trailers, it seems like this up-up-and-away adventure story which co-opts Dennis the Menace and James and the Giant Peach may be the summer's most enduring offering. I will see this with my family and it will be a super fun time.

Up on imdb

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29 May 2009
Drag Me to Hell


In the wake of the truly abysmal Spider-Man 3, Sam Raimi needs a cred boost more than most anyone in Hollywood. With a new Evil Dead movie in the works and this month's Drag Me to Hell set to be the summer's prime (only?) fantasy/horror flick, it could conceivably happen. I won't say that this movie looks great, because it really doesn't, but it could be entertaining. Major points lost for casting the Mac guy in anything but a remake of 1989's seminal Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Trailer

Drag Me to Hell on imdb

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26 June 2009
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen


I've said it before and I'll say it again. I hate Shia LaBeauf. That guy's career can just go jump off a bridge, as far as I'm concerned. Swinging from vines in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, anyone? Well that was this kid. Also, why has he not been called out for his lack of any talent whatsoever? What is Spielberg doing championing such a blithering idiot? On the other hand, how 'bout that Megan Fox?

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen on imdb

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1 July 2009
Public Enemies


Johnny Depp is John Dillinger. Christian Bale is the diehard detective hunting him down. Gunfights. Lots and lots of gun fights.

Public Enemies on imdb

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10 July 2009
Brüno


What to say here... Borat was great: an unexpected success that legitimately had me in stitches. Still, for some reason I can't help but think that this movie will be a bit of a disappointment. Acting the stereotype may be good enough for one gag, but two? We'll just have to see.

Brüno on imdb

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15 July 2009
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince


I've now dated two girls who have been completely obsessed with Harry Potter (the books, principally). One of them turned out to be a real bitch. Points added for being a fantasy story that involves bi-raciality.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince on imdb

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7 August 2009
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra


Again, never was a huge fan but I loved Snake Eyes because he was an awesome ninja á la Deadpool minus the guns (I think). I'm also very intrigued by the fact that Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who is rapidly becoming Ryan Gosling 2.0 (he's done the art films, and a rom-com's in the works), is going to play Cobra Commander. Points added if at the very end of the movie they do one of those "...And knowing is half the battle" educational messages. Even more points added if Bernie Madoff shows up in the last five seconds to wink into the camera.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra on imdb

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21 August 2009
Inglourious Basterds


This will probably be the best movie of the season. It's also the hardest to spell. Lieutenant Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt) leads a crack commando unit of Jewish-American soldiers (that includes Office star and writer B.J. Novak) into Nazi-occupied France to wreak havoc amongst the German army. It's directed by Tarantino, so it's going to be bloody, lewd, and unapologetically American. I'm psyched.

Trailer

Inglourious Basterds on imdb

There you have it. Get ready to shell out, folks!

C Lee gets medical clearance to play, still unlikely to see time in round 2...

From ESPN:

Magic coach Stan Van Gundy said Saturday that if Lee plays at all in the second round against Boston or Chicago, it will be a "bonus." Lee did not attend the Magic's practice Saturday.

Lee will have to wear a protective mask á la Rip Hamilton if he returns.

Why I Love the NBA Playoffs

Being in a temporary state of carefree enjoyment following the Magic's 25-point rout of the 76ers last Thursday, I feel an urge to praise the rest of the league's post-season play while my capacity for objectivity remains relatively intact. There are many reasons why I love watching basketball and particularly the NBA playoffs, but today I'll stick with a few recent examples of stellar ball from the riveting Celts-Bulls round 1 series, which ends tonight in Boston (8:00pm Eastern).

While most teams in the west continue to flounder beneath purple-and-gold hegemony, the quality of Eastern Conference hoops has improved by leaps and bounds over the last couple of years. This series between Chicago and Boston really says it all. Here we have the second-seed reigning champs going up against a scrappy young side that's (until this year) obviously seen better days.

What I love about this series is that it serves to exemplify how personality-driven a great basketball game can be. You've got a variety of character types on the court. On the C's side, there's obviously been a major change on the floor with the absence of Kevin Garnett at power forward. His missing furiousness aside, however, the Celtics still possess a strong personality, albeit of a quieter variety. Driving from the 1 is Rajon Rondo, who is developing into one of the more pugnacious players in the league. Between those question-mark flagrant fouls and his fiery intensity within the arc, he's the reason the Celtics are where they are right now.

On the Bulls, the clear captain is 26-year-old shooting guard Ben Gordon, who is currently averaging 20.5 points per game in the series and exploded for 42 in Game 2's loss in Boston. Gordon's play is so inspired at times it's truly sickening to watch. His match-up with Ray Allen pits two of the league's most excellent clutch shooters against one another.

This is the recap of Game 4, which the Bulls won. Watch closely at around the :50 mark when Ben Gordon banks in an off-balance one-hander. Simply ridiculous.



Although he may be the league's biggest bore off the court, rookie of the year Derrick Rose has displayed extreme levels of early talent in this series against Boston. He scored an absurd 36 in Game 1. Below he blocks a late shot attempt from Rondo in triple overtime to keep Chicago up at the buzzer.



As I'm sure is the case with everyone else, I am incredibly excited for Game 7 tonight, which (if prior contests provide any indication) ought to redefine the term "hard-fought." While my head is trying to tell me the Celtics will come away with the win, I can't help but support Chicago's attempt at an upset. Either way, this series is going down in history as one of the greats.

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 6 (Post-Game)

Yeah, baby.


Oh, and SVG mentioned Seminole High School in his post-game press conference. Just throwin' it out there.





BOX SCORE

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 5 (Post-Game)

Another key Magic victory last night came at the cost of spark-plug shooting guard Courtney Lee, who took an accidental hit to the head from Dwight Howard as the high-riding center descended from a block attempt. The Magic reported today that he has a fractured sinus and will not play during Game 6 tomorrow night in Philadelphia.

Bummer.

And if that wasn't enough to cloud the win, NBA officials announced today that Dwight will be suspended for one game as punishment for a flagrant foul he committed against Sixers' center Samuel Dalembert.

You can watch a clip of the foul in question over at Yahoo Sports!

Watch closely, though, at the very beginning of the clip, and you'll notice that Dalembert grapples with Howard before actually shoving him from behind as Rashard's three-pointer hits. It seems like this was a classic playoffs frustration foul.

My analysis? No question, Howard threw an illegal elbow and ought to be punished according to NBA rules. With that said, I'd like to point out that Philadelphia's defense has been illegally hounding Dwight throughout the series. They're picking up fouls for it, but they're also getting away with a lot. Fact is, the Sixers have no answer for Howard's low-post dominance and they have, quite typically, resorted to familiar against-the-ropes Hack-a-Shaqtics.

Bottom line, the Sixers have been provoking Superman for four games now and it came to a head last night. Regardless, Dwight shouldn't have let his temper get the better of him. Deliberate illegal contact constitutes a flagrant, and quite honestly, I'd rather see our star player sit out a game and maintain the legitimacy of a series win than have to listen to Philly fans grouse about homecookin.'

Dwight had 24 points, 24 rebounds, 2 blocks and a steal in Tuesday's game. He shot 57% from the field.

Rashard Lewis seems to have found his groove again, and added his own 24 beans. He hit 56% from the field and made 60% of his three-point attempts.

No predictions for tomorrow night. Considering the disadvantage of having both Howard and Lee out of action, the Magic will have to rely on strong performances from its starting forwards and bench. We'll just have to wait and see.


BOX SCORE

White Men in the Palais

Two vids we think you oughta see. The first is the Clash doing "Clampdown" live in 1980, before they all hated each other and before Mick Jones prematurely contracted Keith Richards Syndrome.



This next one is some early Tom Waits, live on Danish TV in 1976. "A torch song ... written primarily for piano and fire extinguisher."

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 4 (Post-Game)

Turk: "It's a new series now."

Game 4 transpired as another defensively-oriented maul and crawl, one which saw the Magic dangerously grazing the edge of OT before one Hedo Turkgolu (SF) rushed into a nearby phone booth with mere seconds left on the clock. Fans across the world were heard to take oaths and launch intricately profane invectives at the recently shorthanded third-seed squad. Exactly how many of these blue-blazered avengers aspired to Supermanhood, anyway?

Then, of a sudden, who should emerge from behind sliding glass doors but the near-forgotten Mr. Fourth Quarter! He danced left, then swayed for a time, languidly. The mouth beneath one flattened, hideous nose was seen to utter a strange string of unknown syllables. Methinks I spied a flight lambent, cascading doves as Señor Quatro pulled up beyond the arc. Rainbow three.

Swish.

The crowd in Philly goes dead.

What a game.

And in the immortal words of Joe Strummer, "What a relief!"


BOX SCORE at ESPN

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 3 (Post-Game)

I don't know about the rest of you, but seeing the remainder of the Orlando Magic completely waste what was probably the best game of Dwight Howard's career is the saddest thing I've done all week.

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 2 (Post-Game)

The headlines all read much the same. "Magic barely survive late Sixers push."

There were a great many similarities between last night's game and game one. The stars, once again, were Courtney Lee and Dwight Howard, although the recently-named Defensive Player of the Year fouled out with minutes still left in the fourth. The team couldn't quite shake themselves from the scoring dearth that let them down in the series opener. The three-ball simply wouldn't fall; Hedo continued to turn the ball over, making bad passes and a sucession of poor-choice fadeaways. Rashard Lewis continued his search for rhythm.

The all-important difference, of course, is that we won.

Game three is tomorrow night in Philadelphia. If the Magic are going to win again and drive this thing home, they're going to have to dismantle the Sixers' double Andre blitzkrieg. Sure, Philly has other options on the offensive side (Young, principally) and players like Ratliff can easily become defensive behemoths, but it very much seems to me that if Orlando shuts down one Andre and let's the other think he's got to take over the game, things will run according to the Stan Van Plan.

We'll know which way the tide has turned late tomorrow night.

Digits crossed.

Note: the Orlando Magic placed third in the league for rebounds per game during the regular season, registering roughly 43.25 in each contest. Philadelphia ranked 17th with 41.15. The Sixers out-rebounded the Magic in game one, but only very slightly. Given that the Magic scored just a paltry 19 to Philly's 35 in the fourth, it's fair to assess that the bulk of these extra rebounds came late. In game two, the Magic out-rebounded the Sixers 44 to 37.

"Can't Front on Me" - Pete Rock & CL Smooth

One in the bag. Post-game reflections tomorrow.



Courtney Lee - Anesthetic Hymns player of the game

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 2

'Nuff said

Dwight Howard wins NBA's Defensive Player of the Year award

Howard becomes the youngest player in the history of the NBA to win the award.

Well done, Dwight.

Schmitz says "don't worry"

The Orlando Sentinel's principal Magic beat writer, Brian Schmitz, dropped an encouraging blog post yesterday regarding the Magic/Sixers series. Basically he's saying don't worry. I'm still sticking with my Magic-in-five prediction.

Basketblog


One is all you're getting.


Also, there's a Magic press conference today at 2. Word is Dwight's winning Defensive Player of the Year. Stay tuned.

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 1

Much has already been made of the (admittedly) astounding comeback the Sixers pulled out in the fourth of yesterday's contest. For those who missed it, Philadelphia action hero Andre the Iguana channeled Michael Jordan with a last second fadeaway to put his team up by two with 2.2 remaining. On the other end, Hedo Turkoglu (née "Quatro," now "Turkey") flung a desperation three that missed completely.

I've discussed the results with a couple of friends back in Orlando, one of whom was present for the game, and here's the official Anesthetic Hymns conclusion. Orlando has everything it needs to rip right through the rest of this series. A strong road record, a budding Hall of Famer at the 5 (Howard), a rookie who has been known to play with the sagacity and surety of a 10-year vet (Lee), one of the most understated (if overpaid) All-Stars in the league (Lewis), a bonafide playground legend (Alston), and an aging backup PG / stained-glass window salesman who can still ball at Himalayan levels for short periods of time (Johnson). The Magic have experience and an Auerbach-esque coach behind them. Defense wins games and Orlando knows defense. The Sixers' shooting the ball so well represents more a case of stragglers' luck than any kind of proven winning formula. That's not to say that Philly didn't get it done on the defensive, but the next two games will go to show that speed and gunslinging can only carry you so far against a team as dangerous as the Magic.

Predictions for Game 2:

Expect a stronger showing from Lewis, who was coming off an injury, in Game 2 (Wednesday in Orlando). Hedo (also coming off an injury) will probably continue to slouch through the series, occasionally dazzling but also racking up TOs. He needs to get into a groove and that will take time. As much as people (including myself) will criticize his performance, his D against Iguodala on that fatal shot was impeccable. Orlando had no foul to give and he played perfectly for those few seconds. The fallaway is a nearly un-blockable, low-percentage shot that few in the league can pull off in the clutch (see MJ and Kobe highlight reels).

Lee will continue to play strong defense and contribute somewhere between 8 and 18 points. Howard will continue to be a juggernaut in the low post, where something like 28 points and 18 rebounds is very likely to happen. Alston will again rock 15 with 5-7 dimes. AJ will continue to be eye-popping AJ. Also, Pietrus was kind of a no-show in Game 1. In Game 2 we can look to him for some thrills from the baseline. Ditto for Tony Battie, though it's in the areas of defense and experience that he will contribute most.

Warlock AKA Machine AKA Gorat (Gortat) will continue to struggle, I think, but will find his footing further down the stretch. J.J. Redick will almost certainly continue to choke. If he can drill even two threes in this game I will gladly post a fervent apology.

Foyle will write an inspiring poem to be read in the locker room before Wednesday's game begins. Jeremy Richardson and Tyronn Lue will play horse for a while.

Thoughts?

Barbs?

Aspersions?

Oh, and the dreaded BOX SCORE.



You can do it if you try!

Listen to "Light A Candle" by Neil Young

Okay, okay, I know this new Neil Young album about eco-friendly cars is going to suck really hard, but give this one song a chance. It's a beaut. Is that how you spell beaut?

Byoot?

Beeyout?

Light A Candle - Neil Young


"I'm a big rock star
My sales have tanked
But I've still got you
Thanks"

Marcus Jordan to attend UCF

From the Orlando Sentinel:

On a high school team with at least six Division I prospects, Marcus Jordan averaged 16.8 points, 8.5 rebounds and 3.2 assists in Whitney Young's seven-game playoff run.

He finished with a game-high 19 points, five rebounds in the Class 4A state championship. Jordan played tough defense on 6-foot-7-inch Jereme Richmond, helping Whitney Young record a 69-66 win over Waukegan for the state title.

From our favorite inside source at UCF housing:

"Too bad I'm quitting this summer, he's going to be living in the towers next year. I could see how that conversation would go...
"Hey my name's Marcus"
"Hey I'm the RA on the floor"
"O and this is my dad Michael"
...
...
...
(Vomit)
...
...
(run away)
..."

The tapes:





See also:

ESPN.com

Rock'n fuckin Roll

The Faces - "Too Much Woman"



Flat Duo Jets - "Crazy Hazy Kisses"



Elvis Costello - "Mystery Dance"



The Gories - "Land Of A Thousand Dances"




Roxy Music - "Remake/Remodel"



Prince - "Dreamer"

Edit: Prince is an asshole who hates his own fans.



yeeeeeeeeeeeuh boi

Cavs crumble to Magic in embarassing 29-point rout

It wasn't all bad for the Cleveland Cavaliers tonight. Hey, it's just one loss. I mean, don't they have LeBron James? He is just the greatest! And that's not all! Who's that other guy they have...errr, whatsisname? Mo something? 'Member when he got on the All-Star team? Uh-huh, that's right.

Plus, it's not like their coach isn't just phenomenal. I mean, this is Mike Brown we're talking about. Let's not forget that the mere mention of his name is enough to inspire post-season confidence in some of the league's mildest talents. Say it with me now.

Mike.

Brown.

Shhhhhh! Wait wait wait!

Hear that?

That's the sound of Ben Wallace simply not caring either way.

Boxscore at Yahoo! Sports




Can't wait for the playoffs.

Magic beats Boston, Series ends 2-2

Paul Pierce: Touché, Superman, touché.

Perspective:
ESPN Daily Dime "D12"

Two-time Southeast Division champs, baby.

Dwight Howard: defensive player of the year?

I think so.

Magic Grind Out Knicks

Admiral Pornstache's rabble of miscreants utilized considerably balanced scoring and a weird early offensive presence from Chris Wilcox to keep the Magic at bay for over three periods. Lil' Kryptonate opened up late for, like, 19 points, but the would-be giant killer's efforts were hampered by an atrocious 6 for 23 field goals. Elsewise, David Lee had a double-double and Chris "The Gonz" Duhon made 3 of his 5 three-pointers to significantly unsettle me for most of the game.

Still, the Magic came through when it counted, led by Dwight Howard, who rampaged for 29 points, 14 rebounds, 4 blocks and a steal. Second in command was Anesthetic Hymns ultimate fave/man-crush Courtney Lee, who was perfect from the stripe and went 6-8 from the field. He had 22 points and 3 steals.

I'm still upset about the Cavs loss, but this may well be Cleveland's year to start shining. Prasad, I'm looking forward to some shit-talk on Wednesday. How's the 'stache coming?

"You Belch Poison On My Face..."

The Magic re-signed Adonal Foyle, mainly to bring back Dwight's old training buddy. Here's one of the NBA vet's poems (that's right, poetry, people). It's called "Night and Day:"


Fear not ghost of darkness,
Master of night's realm,
Morning's light will not dowse
Your fiery midnight passion,
Locked in my bosom of eternal touch.

Dagger of day pierces your trembling inclination,
Burnishing you with ubiquitous fear of unnatural longing.
A camellia of mundane tranquility,
Serpentines through a chorus
Of unexplored betrayal, of untested feelings.

How you move through night's shade,
With the nobility of kingly privileges,
Steps leaving undeniable prints of passage.
Lestat must have taught you how to rule
The dark heaven of your true calling.

Concealed jealousy waters a sanguine journey,
Of unreachable hope lost in night and day.
Man's path chokes with life's grand design.
Looting animals pray for Shakespearian fall.
Slivers of mistrust precipitate the fall.

Nature's truth undeniable,
Imposing presence trapped by day's glaring rays.
We were naked in the dawn of possibilities
Morning's gloom threatened last night's hopeful union.
Wretched day be gone,
You belch poison upon my face.

You ghost, who walks night's corner and midday's roads,
Proudly displaying a band that masks the dual truth of oneness,
I am savagely in awe. Day walker - night stalker lives an
Indistinguishable truth,
With a simplistic need of survival.

Must not day abandon its heightened chord of war,
And walk in the slippers of "live and let live?"
Night, who clutches our secrets,
Allows mortals a sojourn
From morning sadness and midday blues.

-Adonal Foyle


Not bad. Go HERE for Adonal's official home page.

Magic bench-press Bulls

Photo: ESPN/AP


Final:
Orlando Magic: 107
Chicago Bulls: 79

After a disappointing third loss to the Detroit Pistons in their final meeting of the regular season, the Magic bounced back in a big way tonight, registering a decisive victory against 8th seed hopefuls the Chicago Bulls. The Bulls looked bewildered for most of the night, flustered by an intractable Orlando defense that held them to just 31.4% shooting from the field.

Among the night's top performers was a handful of reserves that included Marcin Gortat, Tony Battie, and J.J. Redick. The Magic played tonight without starting small forward Hedo Turkgolu (Achilles), but were nonetheless able to orchestrate the rout on home turf with a variety of plays that saw them scoring in the paint, at the line, and (late in the second half) from beyond the arc.

The Anesthetic Hymns' starter of the night is rookie Courtney Lee, who hit the bulk of his 14 points in the third period. He also had 6 rebounds and 2 steals.

Our reserves of the night were Battie (18 points, 8 rebounds) and Gortat (13 points, 15 rebounds). This was a heartening game for Orlando, one that proved their second stringers capable of putting away a middle-weight team without the aid of the Turkoglu/Lewis/Nelson scoring phalanx.

Dwight Howard turned in a solid game despite early foul trouble that sidelined him for much of the first half. He finished with 15 points, 9 rebounds, and 3 blocks.

The Magic lost their previous game to the Bulls on February 24th (102-120). Their leading scorers in tonight's contest were John Salmons (18 points, 8 rebounds) and Brad Miller (11 points, 6 rebounds). This was the teams' final meeting of the regular season, with the series standing at 3-1 Magic. With this victory the Magic are 47-17 and remain the 3rd seed in the East.


Full box score at Yahoo! Sports

Magic douse Celtics

Magic: 86
Celtics: 79

BOSTON–The Magic nixed the chance of a regular-season sweep by the Celtics today. Victory at the Garden saw four of the Magic's starters scoring in double digits along with a 25-point contribution from the team's increasingly formidable reserve list. While this wasn't a safe game by any stretch, the outcome of the contest was largely defined by Boston's lack of scoring options (point guard Rajon Rondo and power forward Kevin Garnett are both out with injuries).

The Magic offense has been intensely hampered by the loss of starting PG Jameer Nelson, out with a season-ending shoulder injury since the beginning of last month. Nonetheless, GM Otis Smith's outstanding deal-brokering just before trade deadline has brought the team a seasoned distributor in the form of ex-Rocket PG Rafer Alston. Following the team's disheartening performances with stopgap trade Tyronn Lue at the 1, the move was applauded by Magic fans the world over.

Alston, aside from being an erratic finisher, has indeed provided the Magic with the genuine hope of a respectable playoff showing and is considered a tremendous addition to the franchise for the threat he will represent as back-up PG next year. He hit 10 points in today's game, adding 8 assists and a steal.

In spite of Dwight Howard's whopping 5 blocks, the Anesthetic Hymns' player of the game was Rashedo Turkoglewis, who hit an amalgamated 31 points to overcome the afternoon's general foul trouble.

The Celtics were led by a searing Ray Allen (AKA Jesus Shuttlesworth), who stepped out of his role-playing position to drop 32 for the Big Green Giant. Big Baby Davis sustained a leg injury in the second half and Starbury, looking weird and dull in Boston gear, hit a long two.

Check out the full box score at Yahoo! Sports: Orlando 86, Boston 79

The Magic meet Boston in their final regular-season match-up in Orlando on Wednesday, March 25.

Jacko to play 10 farewell shows in London...

From the NY Times/Reuters:

"Mr. Jackson, 50, revealed the details of the concerts at a news conference in London, where he said he would perform 10 shows at the O2 Arena, beginning July 8."

Apparently, he's going to be "'performing the songs [his] fans want to hear."

I simply cannot believe Michael Jackson is 50 years old.

Buy tickets and stuff here: michaeljackson.com

Talkin' Shmaq

Phoenix Suns center and all-around bully Shaquille O'Neal ranted to the press today about the shortcomings of Magic coach Stan Van Gundy, "despising" him as a "frontrunner" sure to crumble in the postseason.

According to ESPN.com, O'Neal "used the word 'despise' at least a half dozen times" and made a special effort to see that his quote, "Now I see why everybody who plays for him doesn't like him," would be printed.

Here at Anesthetic Hymns, we don't take too kindly to the gripes of cutthroat career types like Mr. O'Neal: players who jump ship to secure rings at the expense of not just franchise, but also civic loyalty. I'll admit that an athlete needs to consider his legacy, that he ought to be able to go where he feels he can be a contender. Still, I'll always be bitter about Shaq because of that infuriating attitude of his.

It's no comfort to know that in five years time he'll surely have a part-time gig as a TNT sportscaster, snatching headlines for DUIs and tiresome, inane ego trips. The name "Shaquille O'Neal" will coax conversations about felled hoop systems, shattered fiber glass, extreme arrogance. It'll be way worse than Charles Barkley (who, in all honesty, is probably doing exactly the job he should).

Why can't ol' 32 just leave the league already and devote himself entirely to the Twittering of his life's meaningless luxury? Why can't the guy show some respect for his fellow players and coaches?

Blah, blah, blah:

Back From The Brink

The NBA's trade deadline was at 3 PM today. This is the moment when teams can go from doormats to contenders within 10 minutes. General manager of the Orlando Magic and slickster extraordinaire Otis Smith managed to pull something out of his ass literally at the last minute, because I sure as hell did not see this one coming. In a three-way deal, the Magicians have jettisoned Brian Cook, a 1st round draft pick plus a few additional benchwarmers in exchange of Rafer "Skip To My Lou" Alston from the Houston Rockets.

I'd first and foremost like to thank Chris Paul. If he didn't thoroughly dismantle the duo of corpses that currently make up the point guard rotation on the Magic in last night's loss to the Hornets, Otis would have sat on his ass and issued the standard "I like this team the way it is" press release.

Second, I'd like to thank the Rockets management for accepting the bathtub-esque Brian Cook onto their payroll. I trust they will be constructing a Sizzler restaurant adjacent to the locker room to quell his monstrous appetite. I'll personally miss his threes jacked up 45-feet away from the basket with 20 seconds left on the shot clock.

The talk on the 'net is that the Magic are back on track after this move. Even the schmucks on TNT have said the team is back in contention to win the Eastern Conference. Alston's a scrappy defender and is primarily a pass-first point guard as well as a streaky shooter. He averages a cool 11 points/5 assists a game; magnitudes better than the Johnson/Lue disaster currently in use by Orlando. He's also the true backup point guard for Orlando. Come next season it'll be a Nelson/Alston rotation, pretty swank. Alston was instrumental in the Rockets' 22-win streak last season after the cheaply constructed Yao Ming broke down with another injury. Fun times lie ahead.

Also check out his ill dribbling moves: