Dwight Howard wins NBA's Defensive Player of the Year award

Howard becomes the youngest player in the history of the NBA to win the award.

Well done, Dwight.

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 1

Much has already been made of the (admittedly) astounding comeback the Sixers pulled out in the fourth of yesterday's contest. For those who missed it, Philadelphia action hero Andre the Iguana channeled Michael Jordan with a last second fadeaway to put his team up by two with 2.2 remaining. On the other end, Hedo Turkoglu (née "Quatro," now "Turkey") flung a desperation three that missed completely.

I've discussed the results with a couple of friends back in Orlando, one of whom was present for the game, and here's the official Anesthetic Hymns conclusion. Orlando has everything it needs to rip right through the rest of this series. A strong road record, a budding Hall of Famer at the 5 (Howard), a rookie who has been known to play with the sagacity and surety of a 10-year vet (Lee), one of the most understated (if overpaid) All-Stars in the league (Lewis), a bonafide playground legend (Alston), and an aging backup PG / stained-glass window salesman who can still ball at Himalayan levels for short periods of time (Johnson). The Magic have experience and an Auerbach-esque coach behind them. Defense wins games and Orlando knows defense. The Sixers' shooting the ball so well represents more a case of stragglers' luck than any kind of proven winning formula. That's not to say that Philly didn't get it done on the defensive, but the next two games will go to show that speed and gunslinging can only carry you so far against a team as dangerous as the Magic.

Predictions for Game 2:

Expect a stronger showing from Lewis, who was coming off an injury, in Game 2 (Wednesday in Orlando). Hedo (also coming off an injury) will probably continue to slouch through the series, occasionally dazzling but also racking up TOs. He needs to get into a groove and that will take time. As much as people (including myself) will criticize his performance, his D against Iguodala on that fatal shot was impeccable. Orlando had no foul to give and he played perfectly for those few seconds. The fallaway is a nearly un-blockable, low-percentage shot that few in the league can pull off in the clutch (see MJ and Kobe highlight reels).

Lee will continue to play strong defense and contribute somewhere between 8 and 18 points. Howard will continue to be a juggernaut in the low post, where something like 28 points and 18 rebounds is very likely to happen. Alston will again rock 15 with 5-7 dimes. AJ will continue to be eye-popping AJ. Also, Pietrus was kind of a no-show in Game 1. In Game 2 we can look to him for some thrills from the baseline. Ditto for Tony Battie, though it's in the areas of defense and experience that he will contribute most.

Warlock AKA Machine AKA Gorat (Gortat) will continue to struggle, I think, but will find his footing further down the stretch. J.J. Redick will almost certainly continue to choke. If he can drill even two threes in this game I will gladly post a fervent apology.

Foyle will write an inspiring poem to be read in the locker room before Wednesday's game begins. Jeremy Richardson and Tyronn Lue will play horse for a while.

Thoughts?

Barbs?

Aspersions?

Oh, and the dreaded BOX SCORE.



You can do it if you try!

Cavs crumble to Magic in embarassing 29-point rout

It wasn't all bad for the Cleveland Cavaliers tonight. Hey, it's just one loss. I mean, don't they have LeBron James? He is just the greatest! And that's not all! Who's that other guy they have...errr, whatsisname? Mo something? 'Member when he got on the All-Star team? Uh-huh, that's right.

Plus, it's not like their coach isn't just phenomenal. I mean, this is Mike Brown we're talking about. Let's not forget that the mere mention of his name is enough to inspire post-season confidence in some of the league's mildest talents. Say it with me now.

Mike.

Brown.

Shhhhhh! Wait wait wait!

Hear that?

That's the sound of Ben Wallace simply not caring either way.

Boxscore at Yahoo! Sports




Can't wait for the playoffs.

Magic beats Boston, Series ends 2-2

Paul Pierce: Touché, Superman, touché.

Perspective:
ESPN Daily Dime "D12"

Two-time Southeast Division champs, baby.

Dwight Howard: defensive player of the year?

I think so.

"You Belch Poison On My Face..."

The Magic re-signed Adonal Foyle, mainly to bring back Dwight's old training buddy. Here's one of the NBA vet's poems (that's right, poetry, people). It's called "Night and Day:"


Fear not ghost of darkness,
Master of night's realm,
Morning's light will not dowse
Your fiery midnight passion,
Locked in my bosom of eternal touch.

Dagger of day pierces your trembling inclination,
Burnishing you with ubiquitous fear of unnatural longing.
A camellia of mundane tranquility,
Serpentines through a chorus
Of unexplored betrayal, of untested feelings.

How you move through night's shade,
With the nobility of kingly privileges,
Steps leaving undeniable prints of passage.
Lestat must have taught you how to rule
The dark heaven of your true calling.

Concealed jealousy waters a sanguine journey,
Of unreachable hope lost in night and day.
Man's path chokes with life's grand design.
Looting animals pray for Shakespearian fall.
Slivers of mistrust precipitate the fall.

Nature's truth undeniable,
Imposing presence trapped by day's glaring rays.
We were naked in the dawn of possibilities
Morning's gloom threatened last night's hopeful union.
Wretched day be gone,
You belch poison upon my face.

You ghost, who walks night's corner and midday's roads,
Proudly displaying a band that masks the dual truth of oneness,
I am savagely in awe. Day walker - night stalker lives an
Indistinguishable truth,
With a simplistic need of survival.

Must not day abandon its heightened chord of war,
And walk in the slippers of "live and let live?"
Night, who clutches our secrets,
Allows mortals a sojourn
From morning sadness and midday blues.

-Adonal Foyle


Not bad. Go HERE for Adonal's official home page.

Magic bench-press Bulls

Photo: ESPN/AP


Final:
Orlando Magic: 107
Chicago Bulls: 79

After a disappointing third loss to the Detroit Pistons in their final meeting of the regular season, the Magic bounced back in a big way tonight, registering a decisive victory against 8th seed hopefuls the Chicago Bulls. The Bulls looked bewildered for most of the night, flustered by an intractable Orlando defense that held them to just 31.4% shooting from the field.

Among the night's top performers was a handful of reserves that included Marcin Gortat, Tony Battie, and J.J. Redick. The Magic played tonight without starting small forward Hedo Turkgolu (Achilles), but were nonetheless able to orchestrate the rout on home turf with a variety of plays that saw them scoring in the paint, at the line, and (late in the second half) from beyond the arc.

The Anesthetic Hymns' starter of the night is rookie Courtney Lee, who hit the bulk of his 14 points in the third period. He also had 6 rebounds and 2 steals.

Our reserves of the night were Battie (18 points, 8 rebounds) and Gortat (13 points, 15 rebounds). This was a heartening game for Orlando, one that proved their second stringers capable of putting away a middle-weight team without the aid of the Turkoglu/Lewis/Nelson scoring phalanx.

Dwight Howard turned in a solid game despite early foul trouble that sidelined him for much of the first half. He finished with 15 points, 9 rebounds, and 3 blocks.

The Magic lost their previous game to the Bulls on February 24th (102-120). Their leading scorers in tonight's contest were John Salmons (18 points, 8 rebounds) and Brad Miller (11 points, 6 rebounds). This was the teams' final meeting of the regular season, with the series standing at 3-1 Magic. With this victory the Magic are 47-17 and remain the 3rd seed in the East.


Full box score at Yahoo! Sports

Talkin' Shmaq

Phoenix Suns center and all-around bully Shaquille O'Neal ranted to the press today about the shortcomings of Magic coach Stan Van Gundy, "despising" him as a "frontrunner" sure to crumble in the postseason.

According to ESPN.com, O'Neal "used the word 'despise' at least a half dozen times" and made a special effort to see that his quote, "Now I see why everybody who plays for him doesn't like him," would be printed.

Here at Anesthetic Hymns, we don't take too kindly to the gripes of cutthroat career types like Mr. O'Neal: players who jump ship to secure rings at the expense of not just franchise, but also civic loyalty. I'll admit that an athlete needs to consider his legacy, that he ought to be able to go where he feels he can be a contender. Still, I'll always be bitter about Shaq because of that infuriating attitude of his.

It's no comfort to know that in five years time he'll surely have a part-time gig as a TNT sportscaster, snatching headlines for DUIs and tiresome, inane ego trips. The name "Shaquille O'Neal" will coax conversations about felled hoop systems, shattered fiber glass, extreme arrogance. It'll be way worse than Charles Barkley (who, in all honesty, is probably doing exactly the job he should).

Why can't ol' 32 just leave the league already and devote himself entirely to the Twittering of his life's meaningless luxury? Why can't the guy show some respect for his fellow players and coaches?

Blah, blah, blah:

RealGM confirms our infallible prescience

According to RealGM, Orlando Magic point guard Jameer Nelson was named Eastern Conference Player of the Week today, with the Hornets' Chris Paul grabbing the same distinction out west. Meanwhile, we remain awesome.



Photo: AP

The Post Game - Magic versus Celtics

Welp, the good guys lost. As promised, some bitter tears:

"..."

As Dwight Howard walked into the locker room for tonight's game, he likely said only one thing to his teammates:

"Hey guys, let's play like shit!"


Stan Van Gundy may as well hand in his resignation tonight after that abysmal effort by the Orlando Magic, who should look into being renamed the LOLrando Tragic.

Here's how you really know a game was a wash; when a guy named Big Baby outscores your entire bench 16-10. Don't let the national media fool you, this was all about Orlando and not about Boston's "spectacular defense".

Gee, thanks Jameer for showing up 5 minutes before the game ended. Looks like somebody forgot to tell you the game started at 8 and not 10, we're not on the fucking west coast anymore. Dwight Howard fouling out against a goon like Kendrick Perkins is shameful. Hedo Turkoglu's legendary matador defense allowed Paul Pierce to set him ablaze with 27 points, 10 rebounds, and 4 assists. The biggest non-factor tonight was Keith Bogans who would've been more helpful if he sat on the sidelines dressed in a yellow sportcoat working on a coloring book. Great effort missing those two layups KeBo, and those two bricked three pointers almost killed somebody. The only person who showed a little grit tonight was Rashard Lewis, maybe it's because he's wearing boxers made of money thanks to that ridiculous 120 million dollar contract courtesy of our wheelin' and deelin' Otis Smith. You really know how to bring 'em in cheap, eh?

Christ, that was agonizing to watch. Someone should've reminded these farces that vacation time was over. And a special shout-out to the anemic crowd at the Amway Arena. It was quieter than a fucking morgue in that place, you'd think we were the Los Angeles Clippers or something. As a caveat though, the players on the court didn't give them anything to cheer about.

SC

---

LOLrando Tragic indeed, Sammy. First off, I'd like to thank the whole TNT crew for its outstanding integrity and impartiality. Honestly, way to go guys. Have a bottle of Cristal on Mr. DeVos.

As for the game itself, what the hell happened? Dwight fouled out, CL went scoreless, Hedo was aching and breaking. Nelson's too-little-too-late fourth quarter showing wouldn't have angered me so much if he'd brought something–anything–to our offense during the first three periods. Really, 'Meer, 6 points and 3 assists is completely unacceptable for an All-Star caliber player. You can rock the backcourt better than most in the entire league.

Bottom line, if we're seriously in this for the rings we're gonna have to play a lock-down game on defense and really open up our shooting on the attack. The Magic have to make their threes to win. Oddly enough, when we don't make them, we tend to lose. We're not talking about running and gunning here, and I know players can't be expected to be on their shots every night of an 80-game season, but we absolutely need to pin down a more balanced, aggressive style of play. Right now it's "the whores hustle and the hustlers whore."

And the whores are supposed to be the Celtics and the Cavaliers.

In the words of Hollywood actor Jeff Goldblum, "I'm so pissed I could spit." And his multimillion-dollar deep sea research facility had just been broken into.

ST

Where was this tonight?

Magic go up 33-8

20-Second Time Out: Did anybody see that?

The Orlando Magic have officially swept both the San Antonio Spurs and the LA Lakers in each of their respective regular season series. They pummeled SA, but the bouts with the Lakers were hard-fought nail-biters. If you're not keeping track, the Magic have the second-best record in the entire league. The team has played better basketball over the past month than it has played in a very long time. Other highlights over this period included the Christmas Day smackdown against NOLA, back-to-back wins against the Atlanta Hawks, and a record-breaking 23 three-pointers against the Kings earlier this week.

Up next on the hit list: the Denver Nuggets (whose roster now includes veteran PG Chauncey Billups - a monster against the Magic in the last playoffs), the Boston Celtics (who the Magic split their series with last year) and the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Electric Shock: CP3's Almost Quadruple-Double

As I mentioned in my end of year post, the New Orleans Hornets' Chris Paul is one of my favorite point guards in the NBA. Well, last night he turned in another phenomenal performance. Paul positively incinerated Dirk Nowitzki and the Dallas Mavericks (the most loathsome franchise in the entire league), ending the game with a near quadruple-double.

His stats for the night:

Minutes: 42
Rebounds: 10
Assists: 11
Steals: 7
Blocks: 0
Turnovers: 2
Personal Fouls: 1
Points: 33

Unreal. At this rate, CP3 is surely headed for the history books. Okay, he's young. Okay, the Hornets aren't the best team in the league or even in their conference. Fact is, the guy plays a tremendous all-around game that defies easy criticism. So give it time. NOLA will likely emerge as a dominant force in the west soon enough. If not, we'll see this budding hall-of-famer burning up the hardwood at the helm of some other ascendant franchise. Whatever happens, I tremble at the mere thought of what a shape-shifting distributor like Paul might achieve.

---

Part 2

On an unrelated note, Damon Albarn played some demos for the new Gorillaz album on the BBC the other day. Hit the play button below to rock "Electric Shock," a sidewinder of a track that starts off with a weird orchestral bit before transmogrifying. The final half is a funky little electropop jam that's equal parts Afrika Bambaataa, Cibo Matto, and the music of Sonic the Hedgehog.



One presumes these demos aren't fully fleshed out yet, but they're interesting nonetheless. What'd really be interesting, though, is more info concerning this Blur reunion (new album, guys?)

The South Takes What the North Delivers...

Turn & burn, baby.

Who is this Anthony Morrow?

Who is the Batman?

How does an undrafted rookie bust out for 37 points and 11 rebounds in an opening gambit?

How emasculated is Baron Davis feeling right now?

The answer to these questions and more to be revealed in an all-new season of David Stern's The NBA.




Final: Clips - 121 Warriors - 103


By the way, Baron, you are still the man.