Gimme Anesthesia - January 2009

Okay, so I've decided to start a new monthly featurette called "Gimme Anesthesia." Essentially, what this shiny new bit will entail is a rundown of the most popular songs of the moment–the tunes you hear kids singing on the sidewalk, piping through the supermarket, blaring from rice rockets. The title, I might add, gently refers to the excrutiating effects of prolonged exposure to contemporary pop detritus (bleeding of the ears, vomiting of the mouth). In spite of this general truism, though, it'd be wrong to just ignore what the majority of our friends, neighbors, and co-workers are taking in on a daily basis. Good shit or bad, we're all listening to something. Plus, from time to time some of this stuff is actually pretty awesome (remember when you first heard "Crazy?" What about "Clint Eastwood?").

The plan is this:

Basically anything perched on the upper rungs of a legit "Top 40" list is fair game. Mostly we'll be drawing on the iTunes Store's top 40 downloads as well as some other charts (Billboard, off the top of my head). Also, fuck "ringles." Once we've done a fair amount of sifting, we'll narrow the current month's best top 40 hits down to its five most listenable tracks. The criteria for what constitutes "best" will likely as not evolve, but for now it'll be based primarily on a catchiness vs. listenability ratio (a highly precise scientific statistic, needless to say). Then, at the end of the year we take the 60 songs we've accumulated and draw up a final list of the year's top 20 popular hits. Still with me?

Anyway, this is as much an experiment as it is anything else. One problem that might arise is that there might not be enough new entries per month. We won't allow any overlap (i.e. a given track won't appear in more than one month of the year). As a result, I realize that this feature won't be an effective way of gauging the most popular song of the moment, but what it will do is chop up mainstream pop's corpulent, payola-fed body into more easily digestible chunks. Mmm...recycled...

As a final note, this year's early editions will probably feature several songs from 2008 that remain in high rotation. January 1st is, after all, a completely arbitrary date.

Here goes.

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GIMME ANESTHESIA JANUARY 2009


Photo from M

This is our first month and the choice wasn't easy, but the five songs you see below seem to represent the most listenable hits hopping right now. Rules are meant to be broken, so to set a precedent for the informality of this feature I've selected an unofficial release, Lil Wayne's "Yes," as the number one track. Plus, it's buzzworthy, Joe (key lyric: "You won't see the morning like Alonzo").

Britney Spears owns two entries because, well, her two songs have fairly interesting beats (dig those guitars on the first chorus "Circus") and she's our dark horse because of her eccentricities and track record ("Toxic"). I gave Kanye the three spot since he's such a huge player right now and the video for "Heartless" is pretty freakin' sweet (see below). Soulja Boy's not on here because I condone his immaturity in any way, but rather because Sammie's chorus is slick as a mo'.

No. 1 (Wild Card)
Lil Wayne - "Yes (Featuring Pharrell)" (Unofficial Release: 9 January 2009)
Written by: Carter/Williams [full credits unknown]
The Hype Machine Popular MP3 & Music Blog Tracks: 27

Yes - Lil Wayne & Pharrell Williams

No. 2
Britney Spears - "Circus," from the album Circus (Jive: 2 December 2008)
Written by: Gottwald/Kelly/Levin
Positions (last week of the month):
iTunes Music Store: 9
Billboard Hot 100: 9


Circus - Britney Spears -

No. 3
Kanye West - "Heartless," from the album 808s & Heartbreak (Roc-A-Fella: 24 November 2008)
Written by: Jones/Mescudi/West/Wilsos
Positions (last week of the month):
iTunes Music Store: 5
Billboard Hot 100: 4


Heartless - Kanye West

No. 4
Britney Spears - "Womanizer," from the album Circus (Jive: 2 December 2008)
Written by: Akinyemi/Briscoe (The Outsyders)
Positions (last week of the month):
iTunes Music Store: 24
Billboard Hot 100: 15

Womanizer - Britney Spears

No. 5
Soulja Boy Tell'em - "Kiss Me Thru The Phone (Featuring Sammie)," from the album iSouljaBoyTellem (Universal: 16 December 2008)
Written by: Sceffer, Way
Positions (last week of the month):
iTunes Music Store: 23
Billboard Hot 100: 44

Kiss Me Thru The Phone - Soulja Boy Feat. Sammie




This month's near miss: Beyoncé - "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"

"Christina Appelgate, you gotta put me on..."

I heard this slick number the other day while waiting in line at the campus Starbucks to purchase an overpriced espresso or somesuch nonsense. Major props to Prince Be and DJ Minutemix for the choice use of "True" by Spandau Ballet. No one remembers the verse parts of that song anyway. The video is almost as awesome; bright hues of white and a heavyset guy decked to the brim with beads and stone rings, not to mention a voice made of silk. Check it out kids:



"Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" - P.M. Dawn


Do we even talk about rock music anymore?

The Post Game - Magic versus LeBrons

Ah, now this is more like it. I call mulligan over last week's mishap against the C's. The Magic had a shot to redeem themselves once again on national TV and they took initiative.

The first half was somewhat worrying; Ben Wallace setting screens to open up the lane for LeBronze and one too many dunks, and Wally Szcezerbiak of all people was scorching Turkoglu to go a perfect 5 of 5 from the floor. The trey's weren't falling for the Magic, who were an ugly 3 of 11 from behind the arc at one point. The Cavs stretched their lead out to 10 at about the halfway mark of the second quarter. It was around then that the Magic Men had enough of that nonsense and took care of business by slashing it to a one point deficit right before halftime.

The second half would be a thing of beauty.

I'd say the ship began to sink when coach Mike Brown exploded out of his seat over a supposed no-call on Turkoglu for putting his arm against LeBron. Brown got hit with a technical as one of his assistants had to hold him back. Amidst this tussle, Mo Williams blew his lid giving another technical against Cleveland. Orlando made both technical free throws and scored a bucket, padding out their lead by an extra 4 points just because the Crabs couldn't stop whining about why their mangod LeBronze wasn't entitled to every call.


Everything after that was gold. 'Bron was forced to settle for scrappy jumpers after getting embarrassed by a Howard block and several botched drives. The Magic focused primarily on locking things down on the defensive end. 75-year-old veteran Anthony Johnson was somehow able to stay in front of the younger Cavalier point guards and shut them down. The frustrated Cavs kept forcing their jumpshots while the Magic eventually regained their three-point shooting touch to bolster their lead to a comfortable 25. The Magic defense held the Cavs to 32 points the entire second half. That's how you keep a team honest.

The victory could not have come at a better time than the night that both Rashard Lewis and Jameer Nelson were named to the NBA All-Star team. The never happy Stan Van Gundy even had to concede that it was a "good" night. Unfortunately the boys from Cleveland were less than satisfied:


Said LeBron James: "It just shows the disrespect that basketball in Cleveland continues to get. I haven't seen the All-Star list yet, so I can't comment on who's in it. But it's definitely disrespectful that we continue to do work every year with nothing to show for it. They always say when you win, individual accolades will take care of itself. But sometimes it doesn't happen. "

“You want me to tell you like it is?” Williams chuckled. “Then I’ll tell it like it is. It’s a tragedy. How many players get into the game, and how many players did the Magic get in? They’ve got three players, and we’ve got the best record. Not just in the Eastern Conference, but in the whole league… Best team in the world, and we got one player.”

Mo Williams had a chance last night to prove what a tragedy it was. He delivered 12 points on a blistering 4 of 15 shooting AND a technical foul! You're doing a hell of job Mo. And LeBronze mediocre performance combined with his propensity to whine about non-calls even annoyed ESPN of all outlets:




Put up or shut up, as the kids say.

Cosmic Pop Is All AKA Don't Call Me Hippie, Hippie

Whoever it was that wrote the Dusty Springfield classic "Son of a Preacher Man" deserves a whole heap of extra credit for weaving two ostensibly unreconcilable worlds–the ministerial and the conjugal–into one of the sexiest songs known to mankind.

See, for a long time the puritanical suggestion that "cleanliness is next to godliness" dominated the American psyche. It wasn't until the birth of teen culture in the '50s and '60s that this perception started to change. Rock 'n' roll was the new pornography, but the real reason the establishment got so bent out of shape when Lennon notoriously claimed that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus was that it also threatened society as an upstart religion. Tunes like "Preacher Man," the Dixie Cups' "Chapel of Love" and later Marvin Gaye's "God is Love" spliced the carnal and spiritual in ways that either directly or subtly defied the old order by re-conceptualizing its outdated and faulty morality (where it concerned intimate human relationships).

This trend wasn't merely coincidental, either. In retrospect, it now seems clear that one of pop music's greatest achievements came with its announcement that romantic love was, in fact, a thing to be revered: a shameless, transcendent phenomenon possessed of the power to momentarily elevate the species from its more common ugliness and greed. Through pop music, it seemed, mere mortals were able to dwell momentarily within a sacristy of mutual compassion and honesty.

Furthermore, there were a select few that could bring us to this place on a regular basis. One of these blessed mediums is the Reverend Al Green. While it can be said with near absolute surety that his falsetto has soundtracked the conception of untold thousands, equally worthy of note is his music's tacit acknowledgment that the gift of expression connects us all to a higher power. Call it God or Allah, call it Brahma or the flying spaghetti monster. The point is, listening to some pop music is like mainlining the latent energy of the universe. It's the most efficient individual power source ever developed. Crazy, right? I don't mean to sound like a drunk hippie, and frankly there's little that I despise more than a bunch of irresponsible new-age low lives who spend their days making hemp rope in repugnant little rural communes, but there's this seriously amazing current in our pop culture that I'm fundamentally unwilling to attribute to science.

So, listen below as the Reverend tears up the Bee Gees' "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?"

Al Green - How Can You Mend A Broken Heart -

From the liner notes of Hi Records' 2003 reissue of Let's Stay Together (1972):

Al Green knew he had created a masterpiece [with "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?"]. "The Gibb boys might just have well given it over to me and saved themselves the trouble," he said later. "I'm not a bragging man, but I owned that song. They'd written a masterpiece, and I made it immortal." Immodest perhaps, but, as Dizzy Dean once said, "It ain't bragging if you did it."

Here's a clip of Al doing a shorter version of the song on the Jools Holland show a couple years ago:




You catch that last word?

RealGM confirms our infallible prescience

According to RealGM, Orlando Magic point guard Jameer Nelson was named Eastern Conference Player of the Week today, with the Hornets' Chris Paul grabbing the same distinction out west. Meanwhile, we remain awesome.



Photo: AP