It's a Frohawk, Yo

The Grammys blew like it always does, but at least we all had a good laugh.

With that said, it'll now take nothing short of a rainbow rasterbation of some impossible Kurt Cobain / Jimi Hendrix hybrid to spark my interest in a televised awards show. My biggest complaint was that the two performances featuring Lil Wayne were dull as hell. Where was "A Milli?"

Okay, so the fact that smiley-faced mom and dad rock swept at the podium was pretty unremarkable. As for Radiohead's castrated romp alongside those regimental nothings from the University of Spoiled Children, let's just pretend that shit never happened.

In retrospect, the whole thing just seemed rushed, with distracted performer/presenters caught up in a flurry of bad jokes and Twitter jitters. Personal highlights included Katy Perry's descent to the stage in a gilded banana capsule, Kate Beckinsale, and Gwyneth Paltrow.

If I could've written the program, it would've run like this:

Al Green featuring Raphael Saadiq and Q-Tip
"We Fight We Love" / "Let's Stay Together"

Katy Perry featuring William Shatner and a bunch of fruit
"I Kissed A Girl"

Estelle featuring Kanye West
"American Boy"

Weezer featuring Michael Jackson live from Qatar via satellite uplink
"Everybody Get Dangerous" / "Dangerous"

Adele featuring Christian Bale
"Chasing Pavements" / "No, Bruce, let me finish!"

Paul McCartney featuring Dave Grohl, Keith Richards, and Prince
"I Want You (She's So Heavy)" / "Scentless Apprentice"

Lil Wayne featuring Marilyn Manson
"Prom Queen"

A Tribute to Prasad & The Patils: Ne-Yo, Jamie Foxx, Smokey Robinson and Stevie Wonder
"Blue Moon" / "Moonlight Bay" / "Death Blow"

Goodbye Old Yeller
The Public Execution of Coldplay by Sarah Dupuis

Requiem: M.I.A.
"Paper Planes"

Radiohead featuring Chali2na and Amplive
"Reckoner" / "Reckonerz"

Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus
"Lemon Incest"

Okay, okay, maybe not that last thing.

Coldplay goes for broke on "Violet Hill," gets broke

"Hey Will? You as bored as I am?"

I just listened to the new Coldplay single. It’s absolute trash.

Move along everyone! Nothing to see here! The well is dry.

If you were to try and graph the quality of Coldplay’s material over the last six years, you’d find that this moment has been a long time coming. Which moment is that you ask? The moment these guys hit rock bottom.

I used to love Coldplay. I’ve played and continue to play Parachutes to death. 2002’s A Rush of Blood to the Head was arena rock, but there was still a heart beating somewhere in the midst of all the dry ice. The band was still writing great songs: “Amsterdam,” “Warning Sign,” “The Scientist”—these were all outstanding pop songs. Even the epidemic “Clocks” was pretty good.

Fast-forward to 2005 and the band’s just put out the lackluster X&Y. Suddenly Coldplay is a band for the emotionally stunted. You’ve got your choice between sappy or just plain uncool. Whaddaya want?

This new album, their fourth full-length in eight years, was their chance to shock us all. It was their chance to prove that the nuanced melancholy of Parachutes wasn’t just a fluke.

If this new single, “Violet Hill,” is any indication, this will be the worst Coldplay album yet. I really don’t want to jump the gun, but I can’t help it. The band worked with Brian Eno on this thing. BRIAN ENO!! Why does Chris Martin want to be Bono so badly??? What’s sad is that I thought Brian Eno would do them some good. I thought maybe his perfectionism would force them to cut the crap and get back to the sincerity of those early tunes.

On “Violet Hill,” Coldplay make a slapdash attempt to sound like a progressive rock band. Opening up with this ambient noise that’s definitely designed to make me write “ethereal,” the song unfolds extremely awkwardly. Within seconds of Martin’s first line, “It was a long and dark December,” we get a power chord riff that’s straight Brian May, followed by some lines that vaguely hint at a traumatic wartime experience. The refrain, “If you love me won’t you let me know,” sounds like it was a throwaway tidbit intended for use in a Kanye West collaboration. The ending, on the other hand, is supposed to be “classic” Coldplay. You know, the tried-and-true stuff. Just Chris Martin singing gently over his piano. It's as messy as it sounds here.

In 2008, Coldplay doesn’t really know what kind of band they want to be. The name of the new album is—get ready for it— Viva la Vida OR Death and All His Friends. It even has songs with multiple, sub-titled segments to them, just like King Crimson used to do! But Coldplay are absolutely not King Crimson. They’re not Radiohead either; not U2; hell, they're not even Oasis. At the end of the day they’re just four guys in London who make stylish MOR. This is now embarrassingly clear.

Still, don’t take my word for it:

“Violet Hill” – Coldplay (As Available on Coldplay.com)

Meanwhile, Gwyneth Paltrow co-stars in this summer’s Iron Man!!!





Woo-hoo!