Anesthetic Hymns

That's A Wrap

2009-06-15T15:55:00.010-04:00

So the underdogs couldn't overcome a motivated Kobe Bryant with a Springsteen underbite. Pau Gasol redeemed himself after last final's disappearing act and Derek Fisher decided to be clutch after being considered borderline worthless the previous three rounds. And thus, the Magicians fell in 5 games. Them's the breaks.

No problem, I can take plenty of solace that the scrappy, live-by-the-three-die-by-the-three Magic were able to overcome the '91 Chicago Bulls Reincarnated aka the Cleveland Cavaliers. All those ESPN analysts and their years of experience in following the NBA sure proved useful there. Let's take a look again just to make sure:

Oops. Made a mistake. This is the correct one:

There we are.

Over-The-Hill NBA Loudmouth and Tweetér Aficionado Shaquille O'Neal was perhaps the biggest loser in all of this. Stan Van Gundy panicked his way into the NBA Finals while Kobe secured a ring without the overweight gasbag's assistance. Word from the grapevine is that the ole Diesel wants out of Phoenix and may be headed to Cleveland to team up with Bron Bron. Reeks of a desperation move by both sides, Snaq is reeling for that 5th ring and the Cavalier front office is in "must find someone to matchup to Dwight Howard" mode. Of course the obvious answer to that problem is to employ a lazy, overpaid 37-year-old block of concrete who's also a potential locker room cancer. Right.

Moving forward, crazed swingman Hedo Turkoglu is up for free agency. The good news is that Magic management is willing to open the pocketbook a little wider and allow the team to go into luxury tax to sign him. Guess Rich DeVos' pyramid schemes are going swimmingly. In addition to Hedo being resigned, getting rid of the dead weight that is Tony Battie for a better power forward (Antonio McDyess please) is another likely objective.

Another pressing issue is what to do with Rafer Alston. It became clear during the Finals that he was uncomfortable being benched for long periods of time as starting point-guard Jameer Nelson was finally healthy enough to get some burn. I question whether bringing Nelson back was a good idea, however I couldn't tell who between Alston or Nelson was coming back from a 4-month injury. I believe at one point in the series, Alston was shooting at a scorching 17% from the field. Dragging a team through the mud with shitty shot selection, bad passes, and general ball-hogging doesn't really bring your stock up. Rafer's pretty much roadkill for the team's future.

So that's that. This year's draft pretty much blows ass. It's essentially Blake Griffin and a throng of primadonna point guards who'll eventually become role players. McLame. Free agency will be more interesting, the Detroit Pistons are having a firesale and the New Orleans Hornets are hemorrhaging money with pretty much everyone aside from Chris Paul being a financial liability. The landscape could be very different come November.

Two more things:

-The celebrity gossip circuit has been hinting that Rihanna apparently has the hots for Rashard (Money) Lewis. I guess she wants in on that 120 million dollar contract of his.

-Batshit insane Houston Rockets small forward Ron Artest's twitter validates the entire service. With choice quotes such as:

"Yo maybe I should ball in Europe. Got offered 20 mil, a boat, and I can start 1 brawl a year, no questions asked. They got a Detroit there?"

"People be takin' my tweets as too sincere. This bidness is just a joke, like American Bandstand, not serious shit like Soul Train."

Rich. Look forward to posts (finally) about music again.

NBA Finals: Magic vs. Lakers (Game 1)

2009-06-04T20:00:00.003-04:00

You got no fear of the underdog. That's why you will not survive.

Magic vs Cavaliers - Part 1

2009-05-27T02:09:00.001-04:00

"Well look I already told you! I deal with the goddamn players so Lebron doesn't have to! I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?!"

Playoffs Round 2: MAGIC v CELTICS Game 6 (Post-Game)

2009-05-14T23:06:00.006-04:00

If Otis really wanted to impress me, he'd pull this one: Tyronn Lue to the Lakers for Halle Berry and cash considerations.

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In more pertinent news, Rafer Alston may be suspended from Game 7 for kissing this official at the end of the Magic's Game 6 victory. As shown, he is clearly making contact above the head which is in violation of the NBA rules.

We're giving it away...

2009-05-13T10:28:00.007-04:00

Sigh. It's been very difficult for me to sit down and write an honest post in the wake of the Magic's last two atrocity exhibitions. Well, okay, atrocity is too strong a word, and yet I still feel sick to my stomach, if only for having to come to terms with the fact that Shaq's "master of panic" barb now seems to hit extremely close to home.

Window shades ought to unravel, not so pro basketball teams. To watch the Magic fold the game up in a scented envelope the way they did last night was to realize just how mentally taxing being a serious fan of Orlando hoops really is. Is this an NBA title-winning team? The answer at this point is a clear "not yet."

With that said, having now wrestled with consecutive defeats over the course of 72 hours, I feel my personal fandom only gaining resilience. Maybe this makes no sense at all, but the losses somehow seem like money in the bank. It's probably my Catholic upbringing that does it, but it's always been my belief that a healthy amount of suffering naturally precedes the blinding heights of any achievement. Sickening, no? I maintain that all the calluses simply serve to let you walk longer over the hot coals. Or something.

I won't analyze these past two games because to do so would be excessively traumatic. Besides, no one's paying me to write this stuff (or even paying attention?). Instead, go read those slasher flicks known as "recaps" over at ESPN or Yahoo!

What I will do, briefly, is reflect on the apparent crumbling of the Magic's coach-player relationship (something my Dad, perhaps a little less prone to avoiding the truth right in front of him, has been on about for some time now). Now, obviously, I haven't the authority to attack Orlando's coaching staff for anything other than (perhaps) some of their personal grooming habits. On the other hand, the most obvious symptoms of a communication breakdown can be read on the faces of players in late-game huddles. Van Gundy has quite clearly lost his players' respect and this is a fatal, fatal occurrence if it is indeed true.

Jeez, I still don't want to believe it, and yet Dwight Howard's post-game press conference all but confirms that Stan has driven the team too hard. Normally I wouldn't approve of such open criticism directed from player to coach, but given SVG's record for criticizing his team before the media, this is simply a case of what goes around comes around. Some time ago he was quoted (in response to Shaq's comments) as saying that he was an insensitive person. I remember exactly how much of an effort it required to smother the overwhelming stench of his defensiveness.

The B.L.? Something needs to happen this post-season if things are going to be right with the Magic. I respect that the series isn't over yet, but as far as I'm concerned, Orlando's championship hopes for this season died last night circa 10:20pm. The guys need to have a Hoosiers-esque coming together. There are still square pegs jostling for circular spaces, and no, –sadly – I'm not talking about when John Goodman goes to town on a bucket of cheese cubes.

The Bull Shit.

Also, what the hell was going on with the refs rescinding that clear 24-second violation call? It's hard enough to win in the playoffs, you don't need the officials actively working against you as well...

Come on, get a room...

2009-05-10T14:10:00.002-04:00

This keeps popping up on ESPN.

Playoffs Round 2: MAGIC v CELTICS Game 3 (Post-Game)

2009-05-09T12:13:00.004-04:00

"yeeuh boi"

Easy come, easy go. Eyewitness accounts from those who were in attendance of the game mentioned a noble figure yelling "RONDO SUCKS" during the national anthem and a raucous atmosphere throughout the contest. The Magicians were in firm control for almost the entire game even with Alston being scolded for his Uncle Phil slap on Eddie House. Courtney Lee, inspite of not playing for about 10 days, didn't miss a step. And Ray Allen still could not get anything going, is JJ Redick actually playing defense? The C's had a brief window of opportunity towards the end of the 3rd quarter when Jackie Moon flopped D12 into his 4th foul and sending him to the bench. However, this was squashed by Rashedo Turkoglewis, who had a total of 52 points. Anthony Johnson also took his geritol and Centrum 50 before the game because he turned into Baron Davis out there. In a fit of rage, Kendrick Perkins attempted to give pretty boy Redick a Glasgow smile, as shown below:

Bad move slick. In addition to checking Pietrus in the throat, Perk may have to sit out Game 4 with the NBA being so trigger happy with suspensions these days. Big Baby as the only real meaningful big guy up front for Boston would spell doom for them.

Playoffs Round 2: MAGIC v CELTICS Game 2 (Post-Game)

2009-05-06T23:45:00.006-04:00

Yeah, yeah, an egg was layed. Eddie House and Rajon Rondo are sniffing too much of Kevin Garnett's douche fumes these days. Whatever.

So as a consolation, here's an amusing clip about the New York Knicks

Didja hear that BOSTON?!

C Lee "likely" to gear up for Game 3 in Orlando

2009-05-05T11:18:00.005-04:00

Via ESPN:

Magic guard Courtney Lee, who had surgery last week to repair a fractured sinus, likely will be available for Friday's Game 3 when the conference semifinals against the Celtics return to Orlando, according to a report in the Boston Globe.

Lee has played extremely well for a rookie in his first-ever post-season, shooting 48% from the field with an average of 12.6 points per game. He had a career high performance in scoring in Game 2 against the Philadelphia 76ers, when he had 24 points on the strength of 59% from the field. He also had three steals.

As we previously relayed, Lee will be required to wear a protective mask when he returns to play. It's uncertain how the new equipment will affect him on his first game back. He has also missed the last 3 Magic post-season games. Nonetheless, given Lee's outstanding performance all season long, he can be expected to contribute extensively to the Magic's bid to reach the Eastern Conference Finals once he re-establishes his rhythm.

Playoffs Round 2: MAGIC v CELTICS Game 3 (Post-Game)

2009-05-04T22:50:00.004-04:00

At the end of regulation the score stood Magic 95, Celtics 90. For Orlando fans, tonight's game hardly seems like a win, so exasperating was the Magic's atrocious second half performance. Relinquishing most of a 28-point lead, the team struggled on both ends of the court, failing to find the threes that fell so freely in the first half as the Celtics laid on the full-court press.

Still, a "W" is a "W" and, as any NBA fan will tell you, the primary goal of a lower-seeded team in the playoffs is to take one game from its opponent on the road. What the Magic need to do now is watch a ton of video from tonight's game and clamp down. They need to be ready for the press when it inevitably comes. They have the match-up advantage down low, but they won't always be able to rely on Ray Allen going cold from all over.

Lewis (18 points, 7 rebounds, 3 steals) played well in the post, but Turkoglu continues to wobble on the majority of his possessions - turning the ball over on basic mistakes and hurling idiot passes. Dwight Howard had a very solid game with 16 points, 22 rebounds, 3 blocks, and 3 assists, while J.J. Redick (12 points) surprised almost everyone by outscoring Ray Allen (9 points).

The Magic cannot hope to win a series against the Celtics if they continue to unravel in the third and fourth quarters. They have to meet the Celtics' intensity and fight a lot harder on every possession if they're going to see this through. They can absolutely do it, especially with the Celtics throwing away points early on, but this is round 2 and getting through round 2 requires elevating your game another notch. Both teams have lost talent to injury – to some extent it makes their competition fairer. The Magic win this series by grabbing the wheel and refusing to let go.

Let's just hope they've got the claws.

BOX SCORE

The Rumble In The Jungle (Magic versus Celtics)

2009-05-04T01:37:00.006-04:00

The legendary Bulls vs. Celtics series came to a rather anticlimactic end thanks in part to Vinny Del Negro's inability to make proper defensive adjustments in addition to his tendency to binge on 20-second timeouts. Some blame also falls on Ben Gordon going ice cold and dragging the Bulls through the mud with a "no-pass, no-defense, i'm-the-hero" mentality with a bevy of terrible shots.

The next round is up, with the boys in blue facing the big green machine. The Celtics have slowly been running out of frontcourt players due to injuries with Perkins and Big Baby as the remainders. Mikki Moore, in spite of looking like a total badass, is completely worthless and Scatterbrain can't even post-up a guard without getting stripped of the ball. The Magicians meanwhile are without Courtney Lee's whose nose got smashed by D-12's shotgun elbows as well as all-star pointman Jameer Nelson, whom every damned analyst seems to forget about when citing difficulties for the Magic.

The Magic bigs have an advantage over the Celtics, Rashard "Money" Lewis especially has an upper-hand over the shorter Big Baby. The Celtics have an edge with Pierce and Allen. The key matchup is the one at point-guard. As shown here, Rafer Alston and Rajon Rondo have given each other fits in each of their meetings.

The key to victory is that the Magic need to make sure they have more points than the Celtics at the end of the 4th quarter. This would be incredibly helpful and may perhaps lead to a few wins.

A look ahead at summer movies

2009-05-03T12:25:00.021-04:00

The summer ahead appears heavy on sci-fi and action adventure movies that could actually be very good. Here we have some commentary.

1 May 2009
X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Before we even talk about whether or not this movie is going to be any good, let me just say that this summer represents the fulfillment of not just one, but two, of my childhood fantasies for silver screen adaptations. One of my dreams was a movie about Wolverine, who has always been my favorite of the X-Men. The other was a movie that focused on the post-apocalyptic future alluded to in the first two Terminator movies. Check aaaaaaand check.

Now, having seen a couple of previews for this movie, I have to say this looks pretty lackluster. The X-Men trilogy was fairly unimpressive in terms of presenting any sort of compelling plot you'd ever want to revisit. What it did have was a lot of great special effects and nearly flawless casting (whoever had the vision to cast a Broadway actor as one of the most prototypically masculine comic book heroes of all time definitely earned his or her pay check).

I will go see this movie with extremely low expectations and most likely leave the theater saying that I had fun.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine on imdb

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8 May 2009
Star Trek

I've never loved Star Trek, but I have been known to make free with references to the Borg. I don't know if the Borg show up in this J.J. Abrams-directed resuscitation attempt, but if they do I will surely enjoy the movie at least ten times more. If you don't know what the Borg is, well, I feel bad for you son. I got ninety-nine problems but the Borg ain't one.

Star Trek on imdb

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21 May 2009
Terminator Salvation

People tell me they can't take this movie seriously following Christian Bale's now infamously viral vituperation against some member of the TS film crew. Let it also be said that these (two) people are not ardent Terminator fans. I, on the other hand, am very excited for this movie and will probably watch it on the day it comes out. Why? We get to find out more about the eerily familiar-sounding works of the SkyNet corporation and finally see the man Edward Furlong grew up to become thrash some murderous, skeletal automatons across desert highways and ruined metropolises. Post-apocalypse is in fact the finest milieu the action movie biz has ever presented.

Trailer

Terminator Salvation on imdb

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29 May 2009
Up

Visually, this movie is Pixar par excellence. Based on what I've seen in the trailers, it seems like this up-up-and-away adventure story which co-opts Dennis the Menace and James and the Giant Peach may be the summer's most enduring offering. I will see this with my family and it will be a super fun time.

Up on imdb

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29 May 2009
Drag Me to Hell

In the wake of the truly abysmal Spider-Man 3, Sam Raimi needs a cred boost more than most anyone in Hollywood. With a new Evil Dead movie in the works and this month's Drag Me to Hell set to be the summer's prime (only?) fantasy/horror flick, it could conceivably happen. I won't say that this movie looks great, because it really doesn't, but it could be entertaining. Major points lost for casting the Mac guy in anything but a remake of 1989's seminal Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Trailer

Drag Me to Hell on imdb

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26 June 2009
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I hate Shia LaBeauf. That guy's career can just go jump off a bridge, as far as I'm concerned. Swinging from vines in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, anyone? Well that was this kid. Also, why has he not been called out for his lack of any talent whatsoever? What is Spielberg doing championing such a blithering idiot? On the other hand, how 'bout that Megan Fox?

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen on imdb

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1 July 2009
Public Enemies

Johnny Depp is John Dillinger. Christian Bale is the diehard detective hunting him down. Gunfights. Lots and lots of gun fights.

Public Enemies on imdb

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10 July 2009
Brüno

What to say here... Borat was great: an unexpected success that legitimately had me in stitches. Still, for some reason I can't help but think that this movie will be a bit of a disappointment. Acting the stereotype may be good enough for one gag, but two? We'll just have to see.

Brüno on imdb

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15 July 2009
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

I've now dated two girls who have been completely obsessed with Harry Potter (the books, principally). One of them turned out to be a real bitch. Points added for being a fantasy story that involves bi-raciality.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince on imdb

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7 August 2009
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Again, never was a huge fan but I loved Snake Eyes because he was an awesome ninja á la Deadpool minus the guns (I think). I'm also very intrigued by the fact that Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who is rapidly becoming Ryan Gosling 2.0 (he's done the art films, and a rom-com's in the works), is going to play Cobra Commander. Points added if at the very end of the movie they do one of those "...And knowing is half the battle" educational messages. Even more points added if Bernie Madoff shows up in the last five seconds to wink into the camera.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra on imdb

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21 August 2009
Inglourious Basterds

This will probably be the best movie of the season. It's also the hardest to spell. Lieutenant Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt) leads a crack commando unit of Jewish-American soldiers (that includes Office star and writer B.J. Novak) into Nazi-occupied France to wreak havoc amongst the German army. It's directed by Tarantino, so it's going to be bloody, lewd, and unapologetically American. I'm psyched.

Trailer

Inglourious Basterds on imdb

There you have it. Get ready to shell out, folks!

C Lee gets medical clearance to play, still unlikely to see time in round 2...

2009-05-02T18:48:00.002-04:00

From ESPN:

Magic coach Stan Van Gundy said Saturday that if Lee plays at all in the second round against Boston or Chicago, it will be a "bonus." Lee did not attend the Magic's practice Saturday.

Lee will have to wear a protective mask á la Rip Hamilton if he returns.

Why I Love the NBA Playoffs

2009-05-02T12:32:00.004-04:00

Being in a temporary state of carefree enjoyment following the Magic's 25-point rout of the 76ers last Thursday, I feel an urge to praise the rest of the league's post-season play while my capacity for objectivity remains relatively intact. There are many reasons why I love watching basketball and particularly the NBA playoffs, but today I'll stick with a few recent examples of stellar ball from the riveting Celts-Bulls round 1 series, which ends tonight in Boston (8:00pm Eastern).

While most teams in the west continue to flounder beneath purple-and-gold hegemony, the quality of Eastern Conference hoops has improved by leaps and bounds over the last couple of years. This series between Chicago and Boston really says it all. Here we have the second-seed reigning champs going up against a scrappy young side that's (until this year) obviously seen better days.

What I love about this series is that it serves to exemplify how personality-driven a great basketball game can be. You've got a variety of character types on the court. On the C's side, there's obviously been a major change on the floor with the absence of Kevin Garnett at power forward. His missing furiousness aside, however, the Celtics still possess a strong personality, albeit of a quieter variety. Driving from the 1 is Rajon Rondo, who is developing into one of the more pugnacious players in the league. Between those question-mark flagrant fouls and his fiery intensity within the arc, he's the reason the Celtics are where they are right now.

On the Bulls, the clear captain is 26-year-old shooting guard Ben Gordon, who is currently averaging 20.5 points per game in the series and exploded for 42 in Game 2's loss in Boston. Gordon's play is so inspired at times it's truly sickening to watch. His match-up with Ray Allen pits two of the league's most excellent clutch shooters against one another.

This is the recap of Game 4, which the Bulls won. Watch closely at around the :50 mark when Ben Gordon banks in an off-balance one-hander. Simply ridiculous.

Although he may be the league's biggest bore off the court, rookie of the year Derrick Rose has displayed extreme levels of early talent in this series against Boston. He scored an absurd 36 in Game 1. Below he blocks a late shot attempt from Rondo in triple overtime to keep Chicago up at the buzzer.

As I'm sure is the case with everyone else, I am incredibly excited for Game 7 tonight, which (if prior contests provide any indication) ought to redefine the term "hard-fought." While my head is trying to tell me the Celtics will come away with the win, I can't help but support Chicago's attempt at an upset. Either way, this series is going down in history as one of the greats.

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 6 (Post-Game)

2009-04-30T23:10:00.004-04:00

Yeah, baby.

Oh, and SVG mentioned Seminole High School in his post-game press conference. Just throwin' it out there.

BOX SCORE

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 5 (Post-Game)

2009-04-29T20:19:00.006-04:00

Another key Magic victory last night came at the cost of spark-plug shooting guard Courtney Lee, who took an accidental hit to the head from Dwight Howard as the high-riding center descended from a block attempt. The Magic reported today that he has a fractured sinus and will not play during Game 6 tomorrow night in Philadelphia.

Bummer.

And if that wasn't enough to cloud the win, NBA officials announced today that Dwight will be suspended for one game as punishment for a flagrant foul he committed against Sixers' center Samuel Dalembert.

You can watch a clip of the foul in question over at Yahoo Sports!

Watch closely, though, at the very beginning of the clip, and you'll notice that Dalembert grapples with Howard before actually shoving him from behind as Rashard's three-pointer hits. It seems like this was a classic playoffs frustration foul.

My analysis? No question, Howard threw an illegal elbow and ought to be punished according to NBA rules. With that said, I'd like to point out that Philadelphia's defense has been illegally hounding Dwight throughout the series. They're picking up fouls for it, but they're also getting away with a lot. Fact is, the Sixers have no answer for Howard's low-post dominance and they have, quite typically, resorted to familiar against-the-ropes Hack-a-Shaqtics.

Bottom line, the Sixers have been provoking Superman for four games now and it came to a head last night. Regardless, Dwight shouldn't have let his temper get the better of him. Deliberate illegal contact constitutes a flagrant, and quite honestly, I'd rather see our star player sit out a game and maintain the legitimacy of a series win than have to listen to Philly fans grouse about homecookin.'

Dwight had 24 points, 24 rebounds, 2 blocks and a steal in Tuesday's game. He shot 57% from the field.

Rashard Lewis seems to have found his groove again, and added his own 24 beans. He hit 56% from the field and made 60% of his three-point attempts.

No predictions for tomorrow night. Considering the disadvantage of having both Howard and Lee out of action, the Magic will have to rely on strong performances from its starting forwards and bench. We'll just have to wait and see.

BOX SCORE

White Men in the Palais

2009-04-28T10:25:00.003-04:00

Two vids we think you oughta see. The first is the Clash doing "Clampdown" live in 1980, before they all hated each other and before Mick Jones prematurely contracted Keith Richards Syndrome.

This next one is some early Tom Waits, live on Danish TV in 1976. "A torch song ... written primarily for piano and fire extinguisher."

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 4 (Post-Game)

2009-04-27T11:45:00.005-04:00

Turk: "It's a new series now."

Game 4 transpired as another defensively-oriented maul and crawl, one which saw the Magic dangerously grazing the edge of OT before one Hedo Turkgolu (SF) rushed into a nearby phone booth with mere seconds left on the clock. Fans across the world were heard to take oaths and launch intricately profane invectives at the recently shorthanded third-seed squad. Exactly how many of these blue-blazered avengers aspired to Supermanhood, anyway?

Then, of a sudden, who should emerge from behind sliding glass doors but the near-forgotten Mr. Fourth Quarter! He danced left, then swayed for a time, languidly. The mouth beneath one flattened, hideous nose was seen to utter a strange string of unknown syllables. Methinks I spied a flight lambent, cascading doves as Señor Quatro pulled up beyond the arc. Rainbow three.

Swish.

The crowd in Philly goes dead.

What a game.

And in the immortal words of Joe Strummer, "What a relief!"

BOX SCORE at ESPN

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 3 (Post-Game)

2009-04-24T23:47:00.004-04:00

I don't know about the rest of you, but seeing the remainder of the Orlando Magic completely waste what was probably the best game of Dwight Howard's career is the saddest thing I've done all week.

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 2 (Post-Game)

2009-04-23T13:15:00.006-04:00

The headlines all read much the same. "Magic barely survive late Sixers push."

There were a great many similarities between last night's game and game one. The stars, once again, were Courtney Lee and Dwight Howard, although the recently-named Defensive Player of the Year fouled out with minutes still left in the fourth. The team couldn't quite shake themselves from the scoring dearth that let them down in the series opener. The three-ball simply wouldn't fall; Hedo continued to turn the ball over, making bad passes and a sucession of poor-choice fadeaways. Rashard Lewis continued his search for rhythm.

The all-important difference, of course, is that we won.

Game three is tomorrow night in Philadelphia. If the Magic are going to win again and drive this thing home, they're going to have to dismantle the Sixers' double Andre blitzkrieg. Sure, Philly has other options on the offensive side (Young, principally) and players like Ratliff can easily become defensive behemoths, but it very much seems to me that if Orlando shuts down one Andre and let's the other think he's got to take over the game, things will run according to the Stan Van Plan.

We'll know which way the tide has turned late tomorrow night.

Digits crossed.

Note: the Orlando Magic placed third in the league for rebounds per game during the regular season, registering roughly 43.25 in each contest. Philadelphia ranked 17th with 41.15. The Sixers out-rebounded the Magic in game one, but only very slightly. Given that the Magic scored just a paltry 19 to Philly's 35 in the fourth, it's fair to assess that the bulk of these extra rebounds came late. In game two, the Magic out-rebounded the Sixers 44 to 37.

"Can't Front on Me" - Pete Rock & CL Smooth

2009-04-22T21:37:00.004-04:00

One in the bag. Post-game reflections tomorrow.

Courtney Lee - Anesthetic Hymns player of the game

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 2

2009-04-22T11:58:00.004-04:00

'Nuff said

Dwight Howard wins NBA's Defensive Player of the Year award

2009-04-21T19:26:00.004-04:00

Howard becomes the youngest player in the history of the NBA to win the award.

Well done, Dwight.

Schmitz says "don't worry"

2009-04-21T12:47:00.005-04:00

The Orlando Sentinel's principal Magic beat writer, Brian Schmitz, dropped an encouraging blog post yesterday regarding the Magic/Sixers series. Basically he's saying don't worry. I'm still sticking with my Magic-in-five prediction.

Basketblog

One is all you're getting.

Also, there's a Magic press conference today at 2. Word is Dwight's winning Defensive Player of the Year. Stay tuned.

Playoffs Round 1: MAGIC v SIXERS Game 1

2009-04-20T09:06:00.004-04:00

Much has already been made of the (admittedly) astounding comeback the Sixers pulled out in the fourth of yesterday's contest. For those who missed it, Philadelphia action hero Andre the Iguana channeled Michael Jordan with a last second fadeaway to put his team up by two with 2.2 remaining. On the other end, Hedo Turkoglu (née "Quatro," now "Turkey") flung a desperation three that missed completely.

I've discussed the results with a couple of friends back in Orlando, one of whom was present for the game, and here's the official Anesthetic Hymns conclusion. Orlando has everything it needs to rip right through the rest of this series. A strong road record, a budding Hall of Famer at the 5 (Howard), a rookie who has been known to play with the sagacity and surety of a 10-year vet (Lee), one of the most understated (if overpaid) All-Stars in the league (Lewis), a bonafide playground legend (Alston), and an aging backup PG / stained-glass window salesman who can still ball at Himalayan levels for short periods of time (Johnson). The Magic have experience and an Auerbach-esque coach behind them. Defense wins games and Orlando knows defense. The Sixers' shooting the ball so well represents more a case of stragglers' luck than any kind of proven winning formula. That's not to say that Philly didn't get it done on the defensive, but the next two games will go to show that speed and gunslinging can only carry you so far against a team as dangerous as the Magic.

Predictions for Game 2:

Expect a stronger showing from Lewis, who was coming off an injury, in Game 2 (Wednesday in Orlando). Hedo (also coming off an injury) will probably continue to slouch through the series, occasionally dazzling but also racking up TOs. He needs to get into a groove and that will take time. As much as people (including myself) will criticize his performance, his D against Iguodala on that fatal shot was impeccable. Orlando had no foul to give and he played perfectly for those few seconds. The fallaway is a nearly un-blockable, low-percentage shot that few in the league can pull off in the clutch (see MJ and Kobe highlight reels).

Lee will continue to play strong defense and contribute somewhere between 8 and 18 points. Howard will continue to be a juggernaut in the low post, where something like 28 points and 18 rebounds is very likely to happen. Alston will again rock 15 with 5-7 dimes. AJ will continue to be eye-popping AJ. Also, Pietrus was kind of a no-show in Game 1. In Game 2 we can look to him for some thrills from the baseline. Ditto for Tony Battie, though it's in the areas of defense and experience that he will contribute most.

Warlock AKA Machine AKA Gorat (Gortat) will continue to struggle, I think, but will find his footing further down the stretch. J.J. Redick will almost certainly continue to choke. If he can drill even two threes in this game I will gladly post a fervent apology.

Foyle will write an inspiring poem to be read in the locker room before Wednesday's game begins. Jeremy Richardson and Tyronn Lue will play horse for a while.

Thoughts?

Barbs?

Aspersions?

Oh, and the dreaded BOX SCORE.

You can do it if you try!

Listen to "Light A Candle" by Neil Young

2009-04-07T19:12:00.003-04:00

Okay, okay, I know this new Neil Young album about eco-friendly cars is going to suck really hard, but give this one song a chance. It's a beaut. Is that how you spell beaut?

Byoot?

Beeyout?

Light A Candle - Neil Young

"I'm a big rock star
My sales have tanked
But I've still got you
Thanks"

Marcus Jordan to attend UCF

2009-04-07T14:28:00.004-04:00

From the Orlando Sentinel:

On a high school team with at least six Division I prospects, Marcus Jordan averaged 16.8 points, 8.5 rebounds and 3.2 assists in Whitney Young's seven-game playoff run.

He finished with a game-high 19 points, five rebounds in the Class 4A state championship. Jordan played tough defense on 6-foot-7-inch Jereme Richmond, helping Whitney Young record a 69-66 win over Waukegan for the state title.

From our favorite inside source at UCF housing:

"Too bad I'm quitting this summer, he's going to be living in the towers next year. I could see how that conversation would go...
"Hey my name's Marcus"
"Hey I'm the RA on the floor"
"O and this is my dad Michael"
...
...
...
(Vomit)
...
...
(run away)
..."

The tapes:

See also:

ESPN.com

Rock'n fuckin Roll

2009-04-06T03:32:00.007-04:00

The Faces - "Too Much Woman"

Flat Duo Jets - "Crazy Hazy Kisses"

Elvis Costello - "Mystery Dance"

The Gories - "Land Of A Thousand Dances"

Roxy Music - "Remake/Remodel"

Prince - "Dreamer"

Edit: Prince is an asshole who hates his own fans.

yeeeeeeeeeeeuh boi

Cavs crumble to Magic in embarassing 29-point rout

2009-04-03T23:24:00.005-04:00

It wasn't all bad for the Cleveland Cavaliers tonight. Hey, it's just one loss. I mean, don't they have LeBron James? He is just the greatest! And that's not all! Who's that other guy they have...errr, whatsisname? Mo something? 'Member when he got on the All-Star team? Uh-huh, that's right.

Plus, it's not like their coach isn't just phenomenal. I mean, this is Mike Brown we're talking about. Let's not forget that the mere mention of his name is enough to inspire post-season confidence in some of the league's mildest talents. Say it with me now.

Mike.

Brown.

Shhhhhh! Wait wait wait!

Hear that?

That's the sound of Ben Wallace simply not caring either way.

Boxscore at Yahoo! Sports

Can't wait for the playoffs.

Magic beats Boston, Series ends 2-2

2009-03-26T12:08:00.004-04:00

Paul Pierce: Touché, Superman, touché.

Perspective:
ESPN Daily Dime "D12"

Two-time Southeast Division champs, baby.

Dwight Howard: defensive player of the year?

I think so.

Magic Grind Out Knicks

2009-03-23T22:41:00.003-04:00

Admiral Pornstache's rabble of miscreants utilized considerably balanced scoring and a weird early offensive presence from Chris Wilcox to keep the Magic at bay for over three periods. Lil' Kryptonate opened up late for, like, 19 points, but the would-be giant killer's efforts were hampered by an atrocious 6 for 23 field goals. Elsewise, David Lee had a double-double and Chris "The Gonz" Duhon made 3 of his 5 three-pointers to significantly unsettle me for most of the game.

Still, the Magic came through when it counted, led by Dwight Howard, who rampaged for 29 points, 14 rebounds, 4 blocks and a steal. Second in command was Anesthetic Hymns ultimate fave/man-crush Courtney Lee, who was perfect from the stripe and went 6-8 from the field. He had 22 points and 3 steals.

I'm still upset about the Cavs loss, but this may well be Cleveland's year to start shining. Prasad, I'm looking forward to some shit-talk on Wednesday. How's the 'stache coming?

"You Belch Poison On My Face..."

2009-03-23T19:38:00.004-04:00

The Magic re-signed Adonal Foyle, mainly to bring back Dwight's old training buddy. Here's one of the NBA vet's poems (that's right, poetry, people). It's called "Night and Day:"

Fear not ghost of darkness,
Master of night's realm,
Morning's light will not dowse
Your fiery midnight passion,
Locked in my bosom of eternal touch.

Dagger of day pierces your trembling inclination,
Burnishing you with ubiquitous fear of unnatural longing.
A camellia of mundane tranquility,
Serpentines through a chorus
Of unexplored betrayal, of untested feelings.

How you move through night's shade,
With the nobility of kingly privileges,
Steps leaving undeniable prints of passage.
Lestat must have taught you how to rule
The dark heaven of your true calling.

Concealed jealousy waters a sanguine journey,
Of unreachable hope lost in night and day.
Man's path chokes with life's grand design.
Looting animals pray for Shakespearian fall.
Slivers of mistrust precipitate the fall.

Nature's truth undeniable,
Imposing presence trapped by day's glaring rays.
We were naked in the dawn of possibilities
Morning's gloom threatened last night's hopeful union.
Wretched day be gone,
You belch poison upon my face.

You ghost, who walks night's corner and midday's roads,
Proudly displaying a band that masks the dual truth of oneness,
I am savagely in awe. Day walker - night stalker lives an
Indistinguishable truth,
With a simplistic need of survival.

Must not day abandon its heightened chord of war,
And walk in the slippers of "live and let live?"
Night, who clutches our secrets,
Allows mortals a sojourn
From morning sadness and midday blues.

-Adonal Foyle

Not bad. Go HERE for Adonal's official home page.

Magic bench-press Bulls

2009-03-11T21:04:00.008-04:00

Photo: ESPN/AP

Final:
Orlando Magic: 107
Chicago Bulls: 79

After a disappointing third loss to the Detroit Pistons in their final meeting of the regular season, the Magic bounced back in a big way tonight, registering a decisive victory against 8th seed hopefuls the Chicago Bulls. The Bulls looked bewildered for most of the night, flustered by an intractable Orlando defense that held them to just 31.4% shooting from the field.

Among the night's top performers was a handful of reserves that included Marcin Gortat, Tony Battie, and J.J. Redick. The Magic played tonight without starting small forward Hedo Turkgolu (Achilles), but were nonetheless able to orchestrate the rout on home turf with a variety of plays that saw them scoring in the paint, at the line, and (late in the second half) from beyond the arc.

The Anesthetic Hymns' starter of the night is rookie Courtney Lee, who hit the bulk of his 14 points in the third period. He also had 6 rebounds and 2 steals.

Our reserves of the night were Battie (18 points, 8 rebounds) and Gortat (13 points, 15 rebounds). This was a heartening game for Orlando, one that proved their second stringers capable of putting away a middle-weight team without the aid of the Turkoglu/Lewis/Nelson scoring phalanx.

Dwight Howard turned in a solid game despite early foul trouble that sidelined him for much of the first half. He finished with 15 points, 9 rebounds, and 3 blocks.

The Magic lost their previous game to the Bulls on February 24th (102-120). Their leading scorers in tonight's contest were John Salmons (18 points, 8 rebounds) and Brad Miller (11 points, 6 rebounds). This was the teams' final meeting of the regular season, with the series standing at 3-1 Magic. With this victory the Magic are 47-17 and remain the 3rd seed in the East.

Full box score at Yahoo! Sports

Magic douse Celtics

2009-03-08T17:32:00.010-04:00

Magic: 86
Celtics: 79

BOSTON–The Magic nixed the chance of a regular-season sweep by the Celtics today. Victory at the Garden saw four of the Magic's starters scoring in double digits along with a 25-point contribution from the team's increasingly formidable reserve list. While this wasn't a safe game by any stretch, the outcome of the contest was largely defined by Boston's lack of scoring options (point guard Rajon Rondo and power forward Kevin Garnett are both out with injuries).

The Magic offense has been intensely hampered by the loss of starting PG Jameer Nelson, out with a season-ending shoulder injury since the beginning of last month. Nonetheless, GM Otis Smith's outstanding deal-brokering just before trade deadline has brought the team a seasoned distributor in the form of ex-Rocket PG Rafer Alston. Following the team's disheartening performances with stopgap trade Tyronn Lue at the 1, the move was applauded by Magic fans the world over.

Alston, aside from being an erratic finisher, has indeed provided the Magic with the genuine hope of a respectable playoff showing and is considered a tremendous addition to the franchise for the threat he will represent as back-up PG next year. He hit 10 points in today's game, adding 8 assists and a steal.

In spite of Dwight Howard's whopping 5 blocks, the Anesthetic Hymns' player of the game was Rashedo Turkoglewis, who hit an amalgamated 31 points to overcome the afternoon's general foul trouble.

The Celtics were led by a searing Ray Allen (AKA Jesus Shuttlesworth), who stepped out of his role-playing position to drop 32 for the Big Green Giant. Big Baby Davis sustained a leg injury in the second half and Starbury, looking weird and dull in Boston gear, hit a long two.

Check out the full box score at Yahoo! Sports: Orlando 86, Boston 79

The Magic meet Boston in their final regular-season match-up in Orlando on Wednesday, March 25.

Jacko to play 10 farewell shows in London...

2009-03-06T14:54:00.004-05:00

From the NY Times/Reuters:

"Mr. Jackson, 50, revealed the details of the concerts at a news conference in London, where he said he would perform 10 shows at the O2 Arena, beginning July 8."

Apparently, he's going to be "'performing the songs [his] fans want to hear."

I simply cannot believe Michael Jackson is 50 years old.

Buy tickets and stuff here: michaeljackson.com

Talkin' Shmaq

2009-03-04T20:21:00.009-05:00

Phoenix Suns center and all-around bully Shaquille O'Neal ranted to the press today about the shortcomings of Magic coach Stan Van Gundy, "despising" him as a "frontrunner" sure to crumble in the postseason.

According to ESPN.com, O'Neal "used the word 'despise' at least a half dozen times" and made a special effort to see that his quote, "Now I see why everybody who plays for him doesn't like him," would be printed.

Here at Anesthetic Hymns, we don't take too kindly to the gripes of cutthroat career types like Mr. O'Neal: players who jump ship to secure rings at the expense of not just franchise, but also civic loyalty. I'll admit that an athlete needs to consider his legacy, that he ought to be able to go where he feels he can be a contender. Still, I'll always be bitter about Shaq because of that infuriating attitude of his.

It's no comfort to know that in five years time he'll surely have a part-time gig as a TNT sportscaster, snatching headlines for DUIs and tiresome, inane ego trips. The name "Shaquille O'Neal" will coax conversations about felled hoop systems, shattered fiber glass, extreme arrogance. It'll be way worse than Charles Barkley (who, in all honesty, is probably doing exactly the job he should).

Why can't ol' 32 just leave the league already and devote himself entirely to the Twittering of his life's meaningless luxury? Why can't the guy show some respect for his fellow players and coaches?

Blah, blah, blah:

Back From The Brink

2009-02-19T18:16:00.003-05:00

The NBA's trade deadline was at 3 PM today. This is the moment when teams can go from doormats to contenders within 10 minutes. General manager of the Orlando Magic and slickster extraordinaire Otis Smith managed to pull something out of his ass literally at the last minute, because I sure as hell did not see this one coming. In a three-way deal, the Magicians have jettisoned Brian Cook, a 1st round draft pick plus a few additional benchwarmers in exchange of Rafer "Skip To My Lou" Alston from the Houston Rockets.

I'd first and foremost like to thank Chris Paul. If he didn't thoroughly dismantle the duo of corpses that currently make up the point guard rotation on the Magic in last night's loss to the Hornets, Otis would have sat on his ass and issued the standard "I like this team the way it is" press release.

Second, I'd like to thank the Rockets management for accepting the bathtub-esque Brian Cook onto their payroll. I trust they will be constructing a Sizzler restaurant adjacent to the locker room to quell his monstrous appetite. I'll personally miss his threes jacked up 45-feet away from the basket with 20 seconds left on the shot clock.

The talk on the 'net is that the Magic are back on track after this move. Even the schmucks on TNT have said the team is back in contention to win the Eastern Conference. Alston's a scrappy defender and is primarily a pass-first point guard as well as a streaky shooter. He averages a cool 11 points/5 assists a game; magnitudes better than the Johnson/Lue disaster currently in use by Orlando. He's also the true backup point guard for Orlando. Come next season it'll be a Nelson/Alston rotation, pretty swank. Alston was instrumental in the Rockets' 22-win streak last season after the cheaply constructed Yao Ming broke down with another injury. Fun times lie ahead.

Also check out his ill dribbling moves:

KG Punks Another Guy Who's Smaller Than Him

2009-02-16T17:58:00.001-05:00

What else is new?

"Ulysses" - Franz Ferdinand

2009-02-11T15:45:00.002-05:00

Note: this is the year's sexiest single so far:

I'm bored, yeah I'm bored
C'mon let's get high!

It's a Frohawk, Yo

2009-02-09T13:32:00.018-05:00

The Grammys blew like it always does, but at least we all had a good laugh.

With that said, it'll now take nothing short of a rainbow rasterbation of some impossible Kurt Cobain / Jimi Hendrix hybrid to spark my interest in a televised awards show. My biggest complaint was that the two performances featuring Lil Wayne were dull as hell. Where was "A Milli?"

Okay, so the fact that smiley-faced mom and dad rock swept at the podium was pretty unremarkable. As for Radiohead's castrated romp alongside those regimental nothings from the University of Spoiled Children, let's just pretend that shit never happened.

In retrospect, the whole thing just seemed rushed, with distracted performer/presenters caught up in a flurry of bad jokes and Twitter jitters. Personal highlights included Katy Perry's descent to the stage in a gilded banana capsule, Kate Beckinsale, and Gwyneth Paltrow.

If I could've written the program, it would've run like this:

Al Green featuring Raphael Saadiq and Q-Tip
"We Fight We Love" / "Let's Stay Together"

Katy Perry featuring William Shatner and a bunch of fruit
"I Kissed A Girl"

Estelle featuring Kanye West
"American Boy"

Weezer featuring Michael Jackson live from Qatar via satellite uplink
"Everybody Get Dangerous" / "Dangerous"

Adele featuring Christian Bale
"Chasing Pavements" / "No, Bruce, let me finish!"

Paul McCartney featuring Dave Grohl, Keith Richards, and Prince
"I Want You (She's So Heavy)" / "Scentless Apprentice"

Lil Wayne featuring Marilyn Manson
"Prom Queen"

A Tribute to Prasad & The Patils: Ne-Yo, Jamie Foxx, Smokey Robinson and Stevie Wonder
"Blue Moon" / "Moonlight Bay" / "Death Blow"

Goodbye Old Yeller
The Public Execution of Coldplay by Sarah Dupuis

Requiem: M.I.A.
"Paper Planes"

Radiohead featuring Chali2na and Amplive
"Reckoner" / "Reckonerz"

Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus
"Lemon Incest"

Okay, okay, maybe not that last thing.

It's not me, it's Lue

2009-02-05T16:30:00.007-05:00

Photo: NBA/Getty Images

Earlier this afternoon the Magic traded Keith "Vintage" Bogans and some cash for Milwaukee Bucks point guard and returning Magician Tyronn Lue.

This from ESPN:

"Tyronn is a veteran point guard who fits in well with our style of play," Magic general manager Otis Smith said in a statement. "He shoots well from 3-point range and adds needed depth at that position. We thank Keith for everything he gave to us and wish him all the best."

Lue has played 30 games this season for Milwaukee, averaging 4.7 points and 1.5 assists. He played 76 games for the Magic in 2003-04 and will be asked to help in Nelson's absence.

Schmitz says the deal is "pretty decent," but that guy can barely spell. On the other hand, our friends at the Orlando Magic Blog are appalled by the trade ("Fuck You Otis"). I'm personally worried because dude looks like he's about 12 and just scrapes 6 feet.

Lue during his '03-04 year with the Magic:

Games started/played: 69/76
Points: 10.5
Assists: 4.2

His FT and 3-point percentages this year:

FT: .750
3P: .467

So, what up crew?

Oh My God This Is So Amazing

2009-02-05T12:14:00.004-05:00

http://www.missiong.com/video/Quest-for-G/The-Quest-for-G

Mega

Arpeggios, Domestic Love

2009-02-05T09:35:00.003-05:00

Photo: Papermag

Hey, Justin, watcha think?

My Girls - Animal Collective

Daily Routine - Animal Collective

Woe is You, Woe is Me

2009-02-04T10:35:00.011-05:00

Photo from Songs from the Soul

So, over the last couple of days I've been fighting this cold and I'm all runny nosey and miserable. On top of that, Magic point guard Jameer Nelson might be out for the rest of the season and Orlando (as of yet) doesn't have any convincing replacement. On top of all that, the unemployment rate in NYC is hovering at 7-point-some percent and if you're a writer you may as well just kiss the thought of working at a paper goodbye forever.

Furthermore, and with all that in mind, I've been trying to work out what I'm going to do with myself. Should I make a big push to get whatever job I can or should I continue to hold out for something I actually spent three-and-a-half years of my life working towards? Should I start studying for the GREs or is grad school a big waste of time if I don't want to become a teacher?

Should I just join the French Foreign legion (as my father once joked)?

I did love Universal Soldier as a kid.

In all honesty, though, my problems aren't so bad, but with the present age ripening for all manner of escapism, I'm certainly not immune to the temptation of wallowing in my own personal jacuzzi of self-pity.

After all, taking stock of one's problems and having a good sulk is often the first step to revitalization (quoth me), and so this morning I had the idea for a post on one of popular music's most palatable whiners. As both a singer and a trumpeter, jazzman Chet Baker made a career out of mopey, boyish charm. You may know him best for his strung-out, yet classy version "My Funny Valentine," but his finest martyr ballad must be 1958's "Everything Happens to Me."

Key lyrics include the line, "I've mortgaged all my castles in the air." Nice to know that refinancing is such a timeless bane, eh? Also, it's very possible that he sang this song with his mouth wired shut, meaning that, basically, he beat Kanye to the punch by about four decades.

(14)Everything Happens to Me - Chet Baker

Party on, Chet

The Dream Is Dead

2009-02-03T12:37:00.005-05:00

On the cusp of entering the national spotlight at his first NBA All-Star game , Jameer Nelson dislocated his shoulder in last night's loss against the Dallas Mavericks. After tests this morning, Nelson was found to have a torn labrum. If he opts for surgery, then he's out for the season. Considering his play-style initiates a lot of contact and punishment, I think the wisest move would be to go for surgery. Regardless, it's looking incredibly likely that he's done for the year.

The dream season for the Orlando Magic is over. It was a good run.

LOTUSFLOW3R - "This music is nasty, but it's not dirty"

2009-02-02T20:26:00.001-05:00

Photo from here.org.uk

There's no rest for the re-reformed, especially if your name happens to be Prince.

Yes, everyone's favorite ageless androgyne is back in business with the latest in Web 2.0 total-package music delivery systems. Now, and for a limited time only, visitors to the new website LOTUSFLOW3R can stream three brand new tracks gratis, courtesy of His Purple Majesty.

According to Rolling Stone, "Fans will eventually be asked to pay a subscription fee to open up other areas of the site, with music, lyrics, animation, photographs and video (including Prince's cover of Radiohead's "Creep" at Coachella last year.)"

As it happens, the new music is also pretty good. When you access LOTUSFLOW3R, you're presented with this very spooky, very cyberpunk nighttime environment. To your left you'll see a TV that flashes intermittently, static which, when selected, unfurls a hallucinogenic swirl of the Prince "logo" and a bunch of generic graphics like lazy placeholders. Then, as you scan to your right (across all the broken asphalt), there are a couple of torn newspaper excerpts from Sign O' The Times (yup, that's All Prince, All The Time), fragments which offer some recent fan feedback on an exclusive concert the Minneapolitan singer held yesterday in his presumably jaw-dropping Beverly Hills manse (RS notes that the set included a series of diverse originals, as well as covers of the Cars, the Troggs, Tommy James and the Shondells, and Sly Stone).

The real reason you should visit this site, though, is to click on the little purple cassette tapes at the bottom right of the screen. These are the three new jamz. The first, "Colonized Mind," is unmistakable Prince, effortlessly sexy and unapologetically frozen in mid '80s synthesizer limbo. The second, "Discojellyfish" is, well...an instrumental. The best track, though, is "Another Boy," a song performed by protégé Bria Valente and (I'm assuming) produced by the Artist.

So, cheers to my man for never giving up on his dream of releasing an album as a super diva.

Seriously though, the song sounds like the '90s and kicks off with the sultry, whispered acknowledgment, "Minneapolis style."

We all know what that means, right?

Gimme Anesthesia - January 2009

2009-01-31T12:24:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I've decided to start a new monthly featurette called "Gimme Anesthesia." Essentially, what this shiny new bit will entail is a rundown of the most popular songs of the moment–the tunes you hear kids singing on the sidewalk, piping through the supermarket, blaring from rice rockets. The title, I might add, gently refers to the excrutiating effects of prolonged exposure to contemporary pop detritus (bleeding of the ears, vomiting of the mouth). In spite of this general truism, though, it'd be wrong to just ignore what the majority of our friends, neighbors, and co-workers are taking in on a daily basis. Good shit or bad, we're all listening to something. Plus, from time to time some of this stuff is actually pretty awesome (remember when you first heard "Crazy?" What about "Clint Eastwood?").

The plan is this:

Basically anything perched on the upper rungs of a legit "Top 40" list is fair game. Mostly we'll be drawing on the iTunes Store's top 40 downloads as well as some other charts (Billboard, off the top of my head). Also, fuck "ringles." Once we've done a fair amount of sifting, we'll narrow the current month's best top 40 hits down to its five most listenable tracks. The criteria for what constitutes "best" will likely as not evolve, but for now it'll be based primarily on a catchiness vs. listenability ratio (a highly precise scientific statistic, needless to say). Then, at the end of the year we take the 60 songs we've accumulated and draw up a final list of the year's top 20 popular hits. Still with me?

Anyway, this is as much an experiment as it is anything else. One problem that might arise is that there might not be enough new entries per month. We won't allow any overlap (i.e. a given track won't appear in more than one month of the year). As a result, I realize that this feature won't be an effective way of gauging the most popular song of the moment, but what it will do is chop up mainstream pop's corpulent, payola-fed body into more easily digestible chunks. Mmm...recycled...

As a final note, this year's early editions will probably feature several songs from 2008 that remain in high rotation. January 1st is, after all, a completely arbitrary date.

Here goes.

---

GIMME ANESTHESIA JANUARY 2009

Photo from M

This is our first month and the choice wasn't easy, but the five songs you see below seem to represent the most listenable hits hopping right now. Rules are meant to be broken, so to set a precedent for the informality of this feature I've selected an unofficial release, Lil Wayne's "Yes," as the number one track. Plus, it's buzzworthy, Joe (key lyric: "You won't see the morning like Alonzo").

Britney Spears owns two entries because, well, her two songs have fairly interesting beats (dig those guitars on the first chorus "Circus") and she's our dark horse because of her eccentricities and track record ("Toxic"). I gave Kanye the three spot since he's such a huge player right now and the video for "Heartless" is pretty freakin' sweet (see below). Soulja Boy's not on here because I condone his immaturity in any way, but rather because Sammie's chorus is slick as a mo'.

No. 1 (Wild Card)
Lil Wayne - "Yes (Featuring Pharrell)" (Unofficial Release: 9 January 2009)
Written by: Carter/Williams [full credits unknown]
The Hype Machine Popular MP3 & Music Blog Tracks: 27

Yes - Lil Wayne & Pharrell Williams

No. 2
Britney Spears - "Circus," from the album Circus (Jive: 2 December 2008)
Written by: Gottwald/Kelly/Levin
Positions (last week of the month):
iTunes Music Store: 9
Billboard Hot 100: 9

Circus - Britney Spears -

No. 3
Kanye West - "Heartless," from the album 808s & Heartbreak (Roc-A-Fella: 24 November 2008)
Written by: Jones/Mescudi/West/Wilsos
Positions (last week of the month):
iTunes Music Store: 5
Billboard Hot 100: 4

Heartless - Kanye West

No. 4
Britney Spears - "Womanizer," from the album Circus (Jive: 2 December 2008)
Written by: Akinyemi/Briscoe (The Outsyders)
Positions (last week of the month):
iTunes Music Store: 24
Billboard Hot 100: 15

Womanizer - Britney Spears

No. 5
Soulja Boy Tell'em - "Kiss Me Thru The Phone (Featuring Sammie)," from the album iSouljaBoyTellem (Universal: 16 December 2008)
Written by: Sceffer, Way
Positions (last week of the month):
iTunes Music Store: 23
Billboard Hot 100: 44

Kiss Me Thru The Phone - Soulja Boy Feat. Sammie

This month's near miss: Beyoncé - "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"

"Christina Appelgate, you gotta put me on..."

2009-01-31T12:15:00.001-05:00

I heard this slick number the other day while waiting in line at the campus Starbucks to purchase an overpriced espresso or somesuch nonsense. Major props to Prince Be and DJ Minutemix for the choice use of "True" by Spandau Ballet. No one remembers the verse parts of that song anyway. The video is almost as awesome; bright hues of white and a heavyset guy decked to the brim with beads and stone rings, not to mention a voice made of silk. Check it out kids:

"Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" - P.M. Dawn

Do we even talk about rock music anymore?

The Post Game - Magic versus LeBrons

2009-01-30T12:20:00.000-05:00

Ah, now this is more like it. I call mulligan over last week's mishap against the C's. The Magic had a shot to redeem themselves once again on national TV and they took initiative.

The first half was somewhat worrying; Ben Wallace setting screens to open up the lane for LeBronze and one too many dunks, and Wally Szcezerbiak of all people was scorching Turkoglu to go a perfect 5 of 5 from the floor. The trey's weren't falling for the Magic, who were an ugly 3 of 11 from behind the arc at one point. The Cavs stretched their lead out to 10 at about the halfway mark of the second quarter. It was around then that the Magic Men had enough of that nonsense and took care of business by slashing it to a one point deficit right before halftime.

The second half would be a thing of beauty.

I'd say the ship began to sink when coach Mike Brown exploded out of his seat over a supposed no-call on Turkoglu for putting his arm against LeBron. Brown got hit with a technical as one of his assistants had to hold him back. Amidst this tussle, Mo Williams blew his lid giving another technical against Cleveland. Orlando made both technical free throws and scored a bucket, padding out their lead by an extra 4 points just because the Crabs couldn't stop whining about why their mangod LeBronze wasn't entitled to every call.

Everything after that was gold. 'Bron was forced to settle for scrappy jumpers after getting embarrassed by a Howard block and several botched drives. The Magic focused primarily on locking things down on the defensive end. 75-year-old veteran Anthony Johnson was somehow able to stay in front of the younger Cavalier point guards and shut them down. The frustrated Cavs kept forcing their jumpshots while the Magic eventually regained their three-point shooting touch to bolster their lead to a comfortable 25. The Magic defense held the Cavs to 32 points the entire second half. That's how you keep a team honest.

The victory could not have come at a better time than the night that both Rashard Lewis and Jameer Nelson were named to the NBA All-Star team. The never happy Stan Van Gundy even had to concede that it was a "good" night. Unfortunately the boys from Cleveland were less than satisfied:

Said LeBron James: "It just shows the disrespect that basketball in Cleveland continues to get. I haven't seen the All-Star list yet, so I can't comment on who's in it. But it's definitely disrespectful that we continue to do work every year with nothing to show for it. They always say when you win, individual accolades will take care of itself. But sometimes it doesn't happen. "

“You want me to tell you like it is?” Williams chuckled. “Then I’ll tell it like it is. It’s a tragedy. How many players get into the game, and how many players did the Magic get in? They’ve got three players, and we’ve got the best record. Not just in the Eastern Conference, but in the whole league… Best team in the world, and we got one player.”

Mo Williams had a chance last night to prove what a tragedy it was. He delivered 12 points on a blistering 4 of 15 shooting AND a technical foul! You're doing a hell of job Mo. And LeBronze mediocre performance combined with his propensity to whine about non-calls even annoyed ESPN of all outlets:

Put up or shut up, as the kids say.

Cosmic Pop Is All AKA Don't Call Me Hippie, Hippie

2009-01-29T11:15:00.000-05:00

Whoever it was that wrote the Dusty Springfield classic "Son of a Preacher Man" deserves a whole heap of extra credit for weaving two ostensibly unreconcilable worlds–the ministerial and the conjugal–into one of the sexiest songs known to mankind.

See, for a long time the puritanical suggestion that "cleanliness is next to godliness" dominated the American psyche. It wasn't until the birth of teen culture in the '50s and '60s that this perception started to change. Rock 'n' roll was the new pornography, but the real reason the establishment got so bent out of shape when Lennon notoriously claimed that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus was that it also threatened society as an upstart religion. Tunes like "Preacher Man," the Dixie Cups' "Chapel of Love" and later Marvin Gaye's "God is Love" spliced the carnal and spiritual in ways that either directly or subtly defied the old order by re-conceptualizing its outdated and faulty morality (where it concerned intimate human relationships).

This trend wasn't merely coincidental, either. In retrospect, it now seems clear that one of pop music's greatest achievements came with its announcement that romantic love was, in fact, a thing to be revered: a shameless, transcendent phenomenon possessed of the power to momentarily elevate the species from its more common ugliness and greed. Through pop music, it seemed, mere mortals were able to dwell momentarily within a sacristy of mutual compassion and honesty.

Furthermore, there were a select few that could bring us to this place on a regular basis. One of these blessed mediums is the Reverend Al Green. While it can be said with near absolute surety that his falsetto has soundtracked the conception of untold thousands, equally worthy of note is his music's tacit acknowledgment that the gift of expression connects us all to a higher power. Call it God or Allah, call it Brahma or the flying spaghetti monster. The point is, listening to some pop music is like mainlining the latent energy of the universe. It's the most efficient individual power source ever developed. Crazy, right? I don't mean to sound like a drunk hippie, and frankly there's little that I despise more than a bunch of irresponsible new-age low lives who spend their days making hemp rope in repugnant little rural communes, but there's this seriously amazing current in our pop culture that I'm fundamentally unwilling to attribute to science.

So, listen below as the Reverend tears up the Bee Gees' "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?"

Al Green - How Can You Mend A Broken Heart -

From the liner notes of Hi Records' 2003 reissue of Let's Stay Together (1972):

Al Green knew he had created a masterpiece [with "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?"]. "The Gibb boys might just have well given it over to me and saved themselves the trouble," he said later. "I'm not a bragging man, but I owned that song. They'd written a masterpiece, and I made it immortal." Immodest perhaps, but, as Dizzy Dean once said, "It ain't bragging if you did it."

Here's a clip of Al doing a shorter version of the song on the Jools Holland show a couple years ago:

You catch that last word?

RealGM confirms our infallible prescience

2009-01-28T22:48:00.000-05:00

According to RealGM, Orlando Magic point guard Jameer Nelson was named Eastern Conference Player of the Week today, with the Hornets' Chris Paul grabbing the same distinction out west. Meanwhile, we remain awesome.

Photo: AP

"Prom Queen" - Lil Wayne

2009-01-28T17:14:00.000-05:00

Photo from examiner.com

Seriously, guys, when is this whole auto-tune fad going to stop? It wasn't cool when Cher did it and it certainly isn't cool now.

Prom Queen - Lil Wayne

Oh, and these are the guys to blame: Antares Tech

John Updike (1932-2009)

2009-01-27T21:03:00.000-05:00

BBC News

John Updike died today in a Massachusetts hospice.

His legacy lives in his words.

"Pennies" - The Cool Kids

2009-01-26T19:57:00.000-05:00

Here's the latest from the Cool Kids. The beats are still buzzing, still soft-serve slow. The rhymes, on the other hand, aren't quite as memorable or catchy as some of the stuff on last year's The Bake Sale, but the chorus is still fresh as hell. As for this video, it's pretty so-so, most notably serving to highlight that MC Chuck Inglish should absolutely never wear an undersized, vintage Pistons jersey on camera ever again. Also, gator head remote-control cars are all the way down.

From Pitchfork

Oh, and click HERE to read my PopMatters review of the Cool Kids at Highline Ballroom 12/08

Kick it in the city when we in around town...

The Post Game - Magic versus Celtics

2009-01-22T22:48:00.001-05:00

Welp, the good guys lost. As promised, some bitter tears:

"..."

As Dwight Howard walked into the locker room for tonight's game, he likely said only one thing to his teammates:

"Hey guys, let's play like shit!"

Stan Van Gundy may as well hand in his resignation tonight after that abysmal effort by the Orlando Magic, who should look into being renamed the LOLrando Tragic.

Here's how you really know a game was a wash; when a guy named Big Baby outscores your entire bench 16-10. Don't let the national media fool you, this was all about Orlando and not about Boston's "spectacular defense".

Gee, thanks Jameer for showing up 5 minutes before the game ended. Looks like somebody forgot to tell you the game started at 8 and not 10, we're not on the fucking west coast anymore. Dwight Howard fouling out against a goon like Kendrick Perkins is shameful. Hedo Turkoglu's legendary matador defense allowed Paul Pierce to set him ablaze with 27 points, 10 rebounds, and 4 assists. The biggest non-factor tonight was Keith Bogans who would've been more helpful if he sat on the sidelines dressed in a yellow sportcoat working on a coloring book. Great effort missing those two layups KeBo, and those two bricked three pointers almost killed somebody. The only person who showed a little grit tonight was Rashard Lewis, maybe it's because he's wearing boxers made of money thanks to that ridiculous 120 million dollar contract courtesy of our wheelin' and deelin' Otis Smith. You really know how to bring 'em in cheap, eh?

Christ, that was agonizing to watch. Someone should've reminded these farces that vacation time was over. And a special shout-out to the anemic crowd at the Amway Arena. It was quieter than a fucking morgue in that place, you'd think we were the Los Angeles Clippers or something. As a caveat though, the players on the court didn't give them anything to cheer about.

SC

---

LOLrando Tragic indeed, Sammy. First off, I'd like to thank the whole TNT crew for its outstanding integrity and impartiality. Honestly, way to go guys. Have a bottle of Cristal on Mr. DeVos.

As for the game itself, what the hell happened? Dwight fouled out, CL went scoreless, Hedo was aching and breaking. Nelson's too-little-too-late fourth quarter showing wouldn't have angered me so much if he'd brought something–anything–to our offense during the first three periods. Really, 'Meer, 6 points and 3 assists is completely unacceptable for an All-Star caliber player. You can rock the backcourt better than most in the entire league.

Bottom line, if we're seriously in this for the rings we're gonna have to play a lock-down game on defense and really open up our shooting on the attack. The Magic have to make their threes to win. Oddly enough, when we don't make them, we tend to lose. We're not talking about running and gunning here, and I know players can't be expected to be on their shots every night of an 80-game season, but we absolutely need to pin down a more balanced, aggressive style of play. Right now it's "the whores hustle and the hustlers whore."

And the whores are supposed to be the Celtics and the Cavaliers.

In the words of Hollywood actor Jeff Goldblum, "I'm so pissed I could spit." And his multimillion-dollar deep sea research facility had just been broken into.

ST

Where was this tonight?

The Thrilla in Manila - Magic versus Celtics

2009-01-21T21:17:00.000-05:00

GOOD GUYS

SF: #15 Turkeyglu

PF: #9 Sweet Lew

C: #12 Superman

SG: #11 CL Smooth

PG: #14 Mighty Mouse

BAD GUYS

SF: #34 Paula Pierce

PF: #5 Kevin Garnett

C: #43 Kendrick Perkins

SG: #20 Jesus Shuttlesworth

PG: #9 Rajon Rondo

Stay tuned for either bitter tears or arrogant homerism after the game!

Inauguration Day 2009

2009-01-20T16:44:00.000-05:00

While he may have choked a bit on the oath, President Barack Obama's subsequent inaugural address nonetheless served as an electrifying rallying cry-a sobering speech acknowledging the challenges that we, as a nation and as individuals, will inevitably face in years to come. These are uncertain times, but as the wild cheers on Capitol Hill wound down, one thing was clear: Obama is the finest public speaker to rise to the American presidency in at least two decades.

Let's just hope that this rhetorical gift isn't all the Illinois Senator's White House residency will be remembered for.

As one of the folks who voted for him, I have my fair share of anxieties. Here's one. From the earliest announcement of his candidacy, Obama's success has rested heavily upon his emboldening presidential personality. He is known as a man of drive, discipline, and amazing self-confidence. These are, undoubtedly, the qualities of a strong leader, but at the end of the day you needn't be a student of government to know that untested fortitude isn't worth a damn in politics. The main thing that worries me is this: that we've allowed ourselves to become deluded by the powerful rhetoric and messianic undertones of one of history's shrewdest political campaigns. I just pray it's a groundless fear.

That's because I still don't doubt the integrity of our 44th president. As of November 4th, 2008, he has held my belief. It will, however, require the enactment of sound economic and environmental policies at home as well as a a shrewder approach to international relations for him to fully win over my conscience. To reiterate a point made by more qualified commentators, over the next calendar year a tremendous amount of pressure will be placed on our nation's chief exec. The way he responds to that pressure will play perhaps the single most important role in setting our country's collective course throughout the next ten years.

I suppose we'll just have to see where we stand at the end of 2009. Let's be ready to watch this administration screw up from time to time. It's going to happen no matter what. Sitting in NYU's Third North computer lab in downtown Manhattan, I'd like to wish Obama and his advisors all the best on this historic day. They've just shouldered an enormous and unenviable burden.

Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Get the full transcript of President Obama's speech over at ABC News:
"My fellow citizens..."

Magic go up 33-8

2009-01-18T23:03:00.000-05:00

20-Second Time Out: Did anybody see that?

2009-01-17T11:18:00.000-05:00

The Orlando Magic have officially swept both the San Antonio Spurs and the LA Lakers in each of their respective regular season series. They pummeled SA, but the bouts with the Lakers were hard-fought nail-biters. If you're not keeping track, the Magic have the second-best record in the entire league. The team has played better basketball over the past month than it has played in a very long time. Other highlights over this period included the Christmas Day smackdown against NOLA, back-to-back wins against the Atlanta Hawks, and a record-breaking 23 three-pointers against the Kings earlier this week.

Up next on the hit list: the Denver Nuggets (whose roster now includes veteran PG Chauncey Billups - a monster against the Magic in the last playoffs), the Boston Celtics (who the Magic split their series with last year) and the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Pras and O.D.B. featuring Mya - "Ghetto Supastar"

2009-01-16T21:34:00.000-05:00

"Ghetto Supastar" came out in 1998 and featured on the soundtrack to the movie Bullworth. It was Pras Michel's only hit record following his time in the Fugees. I was eleven at the time this song was released and I still love every second of it. It's built around the tune of "Islands in the Stream" and features contributions from Mya and two verses from O.D.B.

When the whole crew performed the hit at the '98 (or was it '99?) MTV VMAs, sparks quite literally flew. O.D.B. steals the show with some truly unexpected vibrato vocal stylings (check it out, the guy was actually doing some opera shit). The climax comes right at the end of the performance, when Pras has to grab the inebriated MC and pull him off of a grate near the front of the stage. Fireworks come flying up from that exact spot two seconds later. The first clip below is the VMAs performance, the second is the song's now classic original video.

VMAs:

Original vid:

Electric Shock: CP3's Almost Quadruple-Double

2009-01-15T19:43:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in my end of year post, the New Orleans Hornets' Chris Paul is one of my favorite point guards in the NBA. Well, last night he turned in another phenomenal performance. Paul positively incinerated Dirk Nowitzki and the Dallas Mavericks (the most loathsome franchise in the entire league), ending the game with a near quadruple-double.

His stats for the night:

Minutes: 42
Rebounds: 10
Assists: 11
Steals: 7
Blocks: 0
Turnovers: 2
Personal Fouls: 1
Points: 33

Unreal. At this rate, CP3 is surely headed for the history books. Okay, he's young. Okay, the Hornets aren't the best team in the league or even in their conference. Fact is, the guy plays a tremendous all-around game that defies easy criticism. So give it time. NOLA will likely emerge as a dominant force in the west soon enough. If not, we'll see this budding hall-of-famer burning up the hardwood at the helm of some other ascendant franchise. Whatever happens, I tremble at the mere thought of what a shape-shifting distributor like Paul might achieve.

---

Part 2

On an unrelated note, Damon Albarn played some demos for the new Gorillaz album on the BBC the other day. Hit the play button below to rock "Electric Shock," a sidewinder of a track that starts off with a weird orchestral bit before transmogrifying. The final half is a funky little electropop jam that's equal parts Afrika Bambaataa, Cibo Matto, and the music of Sonic the Hedgehog.

One presumes these demos aren't fully fleshed out yet, but they're interesting nonetheless. What'd really be interesting, though, is more info concerning this Blur reunion (new album, guys?)

Anderson, It Was Really Nothing

2009-01-15T10:13:00.000-05:00

Today, in a blog post bemoaning the lack of journalistic access to Anderson Cooper's guarded personal life, the Huffington Post finally paid heed to its schoolgirlish sexual frustration over the CNN celebrity news anchor's perceived carnal indifference. Writer Danny Shea, panties obviously in a bunch, could barely control his lusty denouncement of CNN's complicity in what he essentially deems a deplorable example of unjustified P.R. shielding.

He argues, accordingly, that the intimate activities of "America's boyfriend," as he calls Cooper, ought to be inflexibly transparent. How else, friends and countrymen, are we supposed to tell whether or not he's been cheating on us?

In his post, Shea also references the fact that Greta van Susteren and Keith Olbermann have publicly derided this CNN/Cooper conspiracy to mask the truth. Indeed, they have in their own ways jealously referred to the cold-blooded reporter as a shameless "experiment" in mass marketing.

(Ah, but Greta my dear, remember when you, too, were marketable?)

Olbermann, in an interview with Men's Journal, lashed out by saying, "You can't move this big mass of personal stuff out for public display [referring to Cooper's memoirs about the deaths of his father and brother], then people ask questions and you say, 'Oh, no, I didn't say there was going to be any questions.' It's the same thing as the Bush administration saying, 'We're going to war, but you really aren't allowed to know why.' "

This level of outrage seems more than a little disproportionate to the alleged crime. I mean, really Mr. Olbermann? Is Anderson Cooper's (admittedly) prudish reticence over the details of his personal life actually tantamount to the Bush administration's avoidance of explaining the war in Iraq? Let's be honest, now.

Odds are, people will soon get over their restless desires for all the dirty details on this mysterious, slate-gray Aryan. It's just the way of the world in this age of ADHD. The age of iPhones and Blackberries. Sooner or later, though, we'll all have to move on to more important things, like why is there such a dearth of interesting and responsible journalism on TV?

As to the scintillating gossip about Cooper's sexual preference, why not just transfer the issue over to this guy:

It's been done before.

"I skip on the handshakes, I'm straight."

2009-01-12T11:35:00.000-05:00

If you're like me, you miss out on a lot of new stuff simply because you can't muster the emotional effort it takes keeping stride with the hype machine (99% of the time a wasted effort). Last year, though, I happened to catch the Cool Kids–a great new hip hop duo out of Chicago–when they opened for Q-Tip at the Highline Ballroom in New York.

Originally MySpace sensations, MCs Mikey and Chuck have gotten a ton of multimedia exposure over the last twelve months. Among the things they've done is appear performing their hit single, "Black Mags" in a recent Rhapsody commercial, tour with M.I.A., and become bonus playable characters in this year's installment of the NBA 2K franchise. Too bad they seem to be Pistons fans.

Released last summer, their album The Bakesale is a compact affair held together by über spare homemade beats and a healthy amount of pitch adjustment. It's real success, though, lies in its infectious, easy-going vibe and catchy lyrics. The songs are positive, cocky, and tons of fun–adjectives you really can't tether to the majority of mainstream rappers these days (and don't go pinning it all on emo king Kanye, either).

"Black Mags"

Lil Wayne On The Fast Track To Becoming the Next David Bowie

2009-01-11T20:33:00.000-05:00

A trend that appears to be resurfacing these days is the hip-hop artist crossing over into rock music. Kanye insisted that 808s & Heartbreaks was a pop album and that certain emotions within his heart"couldn't be expressed through rapping". Under the alias Percival Fats, Lupe Fiasco has started a rock outfit known as Japanese Cartoon which lists such indie dignitaries as Hunter S. Thompson and Joy Division as influences. The whole project reminds me of Gorillaz sans the originality and authentic British accent.

It now appears that artiste extraordinaire Lil Wayne is joining the fray:

According to up-and-coming Canadian hip-hop artist Drake, Lil Wayne has been hard at work on a rock-oriented follow-up to last year's blockbuster Tha Carter III "Wayne's coming out with a new album, it's a rock album. A complete rock album," Drake said, before explaining his new direction was partially inspired by Kanye West's ambitious new record, 808s and Heartbreaks

Awesome. Rock and roll is officially cool again with trailblazers like Lil Wayne at the helm. We can likely attribute some of this newfound interest to the phenomena of plastic instrument music games. I, for one, welcome our new musical overlords if it means more of this:

Let's all give a round of applause to the meanest shredder since Fred Durst!

Yes It's a Big Deal: Spencer's Best of 2008 Pix

2008-12-10T23:36:00.000-05:00

Here goes.

Best book about basketball that's not really about basketball

Rabbit, Run by John Updike

As an author of fiction, Updike writes rings around the rest. As a young (i.e. sensitive, arrogant) American man, this book means a lot to me.

Best rock 'n' roll band that makes me wish I had a raspy voice and really good hair

The Replacements

I love these guys. Filthy, immature: they had a tendency to romanticize. Listening to songs like "Androgynous," "Kiss Me On The Bus," and "Sky Way," it's hard to deny that–as a songwriter–Paul Westerberg is a living national treasure. According to Spin, he's started playing hockey and still lives in Minneapolis. You've gotta admire that.

Best rock 'n' roll band whose members I'd probably hate if I knew them personally

The Royal We

This band is now defunct. Their songs are awesome, but betray an artiness that makes me think I'd constitutionally despise at least one or two members. They made one self-titled record and then broke up, so they've got mystique. Two things. "All The Rage" is what happens when the Vaselines O.D. on Pixy Stix. "Back and Forth All Day" is the rawest campfire gold.

Favorite rookie in the NBA

Courtney Lee - The Orlando Magic

Perhaps an obvious choice for me, especially since I don't really know how any of the other picks have done thus far. I feel some pity for Kevin Love. Not so much because he's on the T-Wolves but because I read a blog entry around Thanksgiving where he just came across as really sad and homesick. It was enough for me to forgive him Mike Love's nephew status.

As for Lee, he plays an admirable defensive game, characterized by that most glorious stalwart of urbanized sports terminology: hustle. He can sink the three, drive the lane, and is seriously impassive on the court.

Favorite Coach in the NBA

Stan Van Gundy - The Orlando Magic

Where to begin? There's the 'stache, the 'tude, the head in the hands. This guy is the complete package: lovable neurosis wrapped up in a Miami Vice sports coat. His brother Jeff is kind of a douche, but still somewhat cool.

Favorite Point Guard in the NBA

Tie:

Chris Paul - The New Orleans Hornets

AND

Jameer Nelson - The Orlando Magic

Paul:
Shitty deodorant commercials aside, this guy plays ball with a flair far too uncommon in today's Celtics-dominated league. He zips left, he spins right. He can hoist the J. He can pass it behind the back and spot the alley-oop three moves ahead. They say he's like Isiah Thomas, I can't vouch for that. He bowls in the high two hundreds.

Nelson:
Nelson was my least favorite player last year. This year he's making us all eat our words. He was player of the week in the East last week and for good reason. "My Little Friend" indeed.

Best Blast from the Past

The Brotherman OST

I can't say enough about this album. All I'll say now is "We Can Work It Out." As for this picture, the words "outta sight" fail me.

Best Country in the World

The U.S.A.

I love this place, so let's get one thing straight: we're not any more a bunch of bastards than the next country is, so the rest of you should please get over yourselves. Think long and hard and remember who gave you Rock 'n' Roll, the quarter-pounder w/ cheese, AND the game of basketball. See? We've always had your best interests at heart.

Best Car

Dad's Hyundai. I'm not sure what model it is. It's gray and has a working CD player and gets good gas mileage. Sorry, Detroit.

My dad's car looks nothing like this.

Best Rap Group

A Tribe Called Quest

I didn't like rap for a long time. These guys showed me how cool it is. Went to a Q-Tip show this month that was A-C-E.

Most Rock 'n' Roll Moment

Meeting Mark E. Smith with Justin and Ryan in Morecambe, UK. The definition of surreal.

The Annual Bill and Ted Most Excellent Babe Award

Beth Murphy - Times New Viking

Times New Viking are an amazing live band. Their keyboard player and singer, Beth Murphy, is extremely attractive. She also rocks. Killer. I read somewhere that she is a Pisces. I am a Pisces. We would probably never get along.

Coolest thing Julian made me check out

Francine

Francine is a gorgeous band from Cambridge, MA. Gorgeous songs that reference stuff like the movies Dune (the one starring Sting) and Aliens (one of my all-time faves), all written by this cool dude who works at Harvard and used to play with Aimee Mann. I even reintroduced the word "nasty" as a synonym for "cool" into my vocabulary just because of these guys. They say a new record is coming along any day now. Certainly it will be A+

Coolest thing to do back home

Watching basketball games in HD with the 'rents and the sib or else with the broheims while drinking Sam Adams Winter Lager.

Most Rock 'n' Roll Venue

Market Hotel, Bushwick, BKLYN, NY

Hopefully a film will be made about the scene one day and I will be interviewed by someone about it. I will talk about this place fondly, how glad I am that it exists even though I would be the vomitron if I had to live there.

Best Sweet Hook-up

Getting to see shows for free because I write cheeky reviews about them for PopMatters

So sweet. Hope yr. jealous.

Best thing about being graduated from college

The world is my öyster.

See you next year, friends.

ST

Check the Rhime

2008-12-04T14:39:00.000-05:00

Magic vs. Celtics

2008-12-02T12:57:00.000-05:00

This from Orlando Magic Blog:

-The "Big Three" of Boston (Kevin Garnett, Pierce, and Allen) combined for 60 points on 22 of 37 shooting and 12 of 14 free throw shooting with 17 rebounds
-The "Big Three" of the Magic (Howard, Lewis, and Turkoglu) combined for 63 points on 23 of 51 shooting and 14 of 21 free throw shooting with 27 rebounds

[...]

-The Magic used just a 7 man rotation, as Lee and Tony Battie were the only reserves to see action

Enough is enough, we need some worthwhile players on the bench. Ditch Cookie and pick up some second-quarter heroes that can deliver those precious points. Jesus, Otis. And $hard, seriously dude, willya just take one for the team and give back a couple mill?

Sadly, not this time...

Re: "The Miseducation of Katy Perry" by Justin Spees

2008-11-22T18:13:00.000-05:00

Carrie Underwood: hate-monger? Artistically speaking, yes.

Justin Spees is a superb writer and budding social critic whose name you will one day attempt to drop at silly cocktail parties of the not-too-distant future. When that day finally arrives, you will likely be met with a number of puzzled, illiterate stares and the subject will be changed to something boring, like musical theater. If you’re lucky, though, there will be someone tremendously cool at the party and you will become friends.

What can you do to get in on the ground floor? Well, the guy writes for this vaguely NYU-related site called "NYU Local." It has lots of sections and they have a blog. You can check that out by locating your browser right here.

Anyhow, I recently read Spees’ article "The Miseducation of Katy Perry," a piece that I would call highly insightful if that wasn't now such a dead way to describe things accurately. Alternatively, it could be called Orwellian in its attempt to convey meaning and Christgau-ian (Christ-like?) for its paper-dry sense of humor. Either way, these statements are intended as sincere praise.

Now, this article of his got me thinking (tangentially) a bit about the subject of what Nick Cave calls the “hate song," a song of supposedly innocuous pop manufacture that’s actually–when one considers it thoroughly–highly offensive to humankind in its message. "I Kissed A Girl" and "Ur So Gay" may or may not be representatives of this reprehensible category. I honestly haven't given them as much of a chance as Spees seems to have done. As I understand his article, he's been able tease out a meaning to which most would be wholly oblivious.

But what, specifically, is a hate song? What's an example of one? Let's use a song that, by now, is relatively old and passé. I would pick something more current, but I simply don't spend much time keeping up with this sort of stuff. The song I would like to talk about right now is "Before He Cheats," a crossover country hit by American Idol Carrie Underwood. I've been hearing this song a great deal over the last year (I heard it today) and it's really starting to make me sick.

"Before He Cheats" is a hate song for one primary reason. It's completely materialist. For this reason, it conveys the impression that love and its surrounding passions are bound up in a sense of commodity. Here's its culprit chorus:

"And he don't know...

That I dug my key into the side of his
Pretty little souped up four wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights
Slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats"

Okay, we get the point, Carrie, you're pissed and you're going to make this dude pay. In cold, hard cash. The idea that someone would, in a fit of rage, do something similar to what she’s describing above is, of course, not unbelievable. In fact, and especially after someone goes and makes a hit song about this kind of behavior, this might even happen all the time. One huge problem with this song is that it's only about defacing personal property–it has nothing to do with natural human emotion. Another huge problem with this it is that it purveys a personal reaction to betrayal that is flagrantly irresponsible in a moral sense.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm pissed that she's busting up some guy's car. I'm saying that there's not a shred of dignity that can come of this act and that a more realistic song, a genuine love song, would zero in on the way human beings actually turn betrayal into any number of complex internal monstrosities. Let's put it this way: no one who has suffered a genuinely painful betrayal ever wrote an emotionally revealing or effectual song about what they did to the betrayer's car or TV or autographed baseball jersey. In it's own way, "Before He Cheats" makes a mockery of humanity. It belies the depth of human grief and the numbing quality of actual trauma. This is clearly acceptable in the modern marketplace. Is anyone as upset about this as I am? I’m not even a socialist, I swear!

“The Miseducation of Katy Perry” is available for your reading pleasure at the following link: http://nyulocal.com/entertainment/2008/11/10/the-miseducation-of-katy-perry/#more-4361

Read it, kids.

Magic vs. Pacers Pt. 1

2008-11-22T16:49:00.001-05:00

Final (OT):
Magic - 100 Pacers - 98

The Magic pull it off thanks to Rashard playing his ass off in OT. 23 points, 5 boards, and 6 steals is just the sort of stat line we need to start seeing from this dude on a regular basis. D12 notches his usual double-double and makes a clutch block in the final seconds, while Nelson is on point with a solid 22 points and 9 assists. Unsurprisingly, Hedo Turkoglu, née Mr. Fourth Quarter, managed to turn in one of his worst career games yet. Um, when's that trade deadline again?

Anyways, part II of what ought to be a pretty epic throwdown happens at Amway Arena exactly one week from now. More from our AH correspondents after the game.

Stay blue.

Blubberlubber the book, on sale now!

2008-11-17T12:13:00.000-05:00

If you've read this blog in the past you may be familiar with the work of caricature artist Dan Hay. He keeps his own blog of daily sketches right here. It's called Blubberlubber and it's now available as a nasty new book.

You can buy said book at ArtSquared Books right here.

Support independent artists and publishing companies in one fell swoop!

Now, for your viewing pleasure, how's about a little stroll down memory lane? Take it away Johnnie!

Check out MC Cain's newest joint, Straight-talkin' O.G., available this holiday season at your local Wal*Mart!

The South Takes What the North Delivers...

2008-11-17T08:51:00.000-05:00

Turn & burn, baby.

Who is this Anthony Morrow?

Who is the Batman?

How does an undrafted rookie bust out for 37 points and 11 rebounds in an opening gambit?

How emasculated is Baron Davis feeling right now?

The answer to these questions and more to be revealed in an all-new season of David Stern's The NBA.

Final: Clips - 121 Warriors - 103

By the way, Baron, you are still the man.

Dawn Of The Final Day

2008-11-04T03:00:00.000-05:00

24 hours left. Let's do it.

Levi Stubbs (Four Tops) RIP

2008-10-18T16:49:00.000-04:00

Stubbs had a ridiculous voice. He was "Audrey II" in Little Shop of Horrors.

Check him out here with the Four Tops:

Quite possibly the greatest thing ever

2008-10-15T11:13:00.000-04:00

Bo Diddley at some festival

Colin Powell sez, "rock and roll!"

Closer than you know

2008-10-05T14:26:00.000-04:00

"Androgynous" - The Replacements

Paul Westerberg - hero

Calling Sarah...

2008-10-01T12:35:00.000-04:00

So now that Obama's victory is effectively assured, I would like to take this moment to nominate Lionel Richie for the highly esteemed position of Secretary of State. All in favor say "aye."

And this is anarchy, baby.

We Smoked Cigarettes And Wore Leather Jackets...

2008-09-28T22:58:00.000-04:00

Barack Obama Tells a Story

Stop eating so many damn fries

awwwww shit, baby

2008-09-27T14:33:00.000-04:00

Gold Soundz in '94

Why does anyone else even try?

PS The Brighten the Corners reissue comes out on November 18th.

It ain't easy being wheezie / "The Minister's Black Veil"

2008-09-17T11:39:00.000-04:00

So there's this guy who stands out on the corner of Washington Place and Washington Square East. Right by the Silver Center at NYU. He's this really small, gnarly dude with a wicked comb-over and he's gotta be one of the most dedicated weirdos in the city. Monday to Thursday, every week, he comes out to his spot and just yells things like "10 minutes 'til 9:30 class!" Or, "LOOK BEFORE YOU CROSS!" These statements are generally punctuated by him getting physical with a nearby planter or railing. It goes without saying that you always feel as though you're being berated for something. Maybe it's for being associated with the number one real estate holder in the City. Maybe it's for being "fucking gentrified hipster assholes" (as relayed by Jazz Dave). Maybe it's just because the yelling triggers some reflex in me to start feeling guilty about something. Blame it on a Catholic education (rant essay in progress).

That's my segue. I want to speak briefly about Nathaniel Hawthorne's outstanding short story, "The Minister's Black Veil." This is mainly because I recently read it for class, but also because I feel that it handles the difficult subjects of guilt and repression in just the right ways. To a sensitive modern being, these subjects are, of course, bitterly important to me. This isn't to say, though, that "The Minister's Black Veil" is a story about self-pity.

Hawthorne, I've learned, was descended from the earliest Puritans. Now, the Bible has always seemed to me one of the most brutal and idiosyncratic texts out there, and for this reason, it seems to call out for parody/pastiche. As I see it, "The Minister's Black Veil" is a tale that takes the form of parable. Off the cuff, I'd say that Hawthorne writes his story in a way that inevitably leaves the reader reeling in an inexplicable half-smile (even if it's an internal one). His story is about the sense of loss and isolation that can be a constitutional element in some people. He understands that the tragic spirit - the ghost, or the spook - is something some people carry around with them like an invisible birth mark. Unlike some of his contemporaries, he isn't just trying to make you feel that sadness is sweetness wrapped in pain. Rather, the best parts of his story (much like the best of Poe) reveal savage truths about vanity, selfishness, and unarticulated rage. I, for one, enjoy the story's doom-y moral finality. I love that the preacher demands to be buried with the veil on.

I've read that Hawthorne was never really celebrated until he wrote The Scarlet Letter (which I haven't read), but "The Minister" is surely the work of a pretty brilliant guy. As for the way he dealt with his own fame or lack of it, he didn't really seem to care. In the preface to a reprinting of his Twice-Told Tales (from which "The Minister" comes), he's self-deprecating in a way that's even slightly irritating. I guess he couldn't be called a writer if this wasn't the case.

Recommendations?

More on Hawthorne at the Wikmachine.

Snickers, Eat Snickers!

2008-09-14T21:46:00.000-04:00

Kanye West jayled!

2008-09-12T15:49:00.000-04:00

Touchdown!!!!

I would assume that having the paparazzos incessantly hound you at airports would become an annoyance. I would assume, too, that being a major celeb involves several other downsides. Question: the point of these assumptions? Answer: perhaps the most unexciting post AH has seen in some days.

If you're not already clicking the "Back" button, you're perhaps desperately bored enough to note that jet setter / Daft Punk fan Kanye West lashed out at some photographers at the LA Airport yesterday morning, According to MSNBC, the artist's "notoriously fickle temper boiled over." And how. West was - presumably - seized and detained for a few hours. He was released on $20,000 bail - a sum he's likely to have forked over in "straight cash, homey!"

Randy Moss declined to comment on the events.

Ed: On a more serious note, Randy Moss is way cooler than Kanye West.

Hymns Gets (Somewhat) Timely, OR Why Suge Knight is One Scary Mofo

2008-09-10T12:56:00.001-04:00

Marion "Suge" Knight was arrested and jailed a couple of weeks ago for beating the crap out of his girlfriend of three years. It all went down outside a Spearmint Rhino on the Vegas Strip at around 6:00am one Wednesday morning. Now, I always thought Suge was a terrifying person, but let's just see if we can get the facts (and, while we're at it, all the rumors) straight. So, according to the AP,

- He was convicted of assault in '92 and then incarcerated in '96 for 5 years for violating parole.

- In 2003 he returned to jail for a year after violating parole by punching out a Hollywood parking attendant.

- On top of these things, he's a total gangster. He was present in 1996 when Tupac was shot to death (this also happened in Las Vegas) AND he was wounded during a shooting at a Miami nightclub just three years ago.

Now, on top of all that, he's reputed to have hung Vanilla Ice upside down from a hotel balcony in the early nineties, demanding that he sign over his royalty rights to "Ice Ice Baby." This was done when he worked as Ice's bodyguard. It also may or may not be true, since Vanilla rescinded the claim later on (probably out of fear). Furthermore, Dr. Dre allegedly has a restraining order out on the guy AND suspicion continues to surround him regarding both the killings of Tupac and Biggie (this summer he was formally accused of sending death threats to one of the witnesses in the case).

As of April 2006, Death Row Records - the label he co-founded with Dre in '91 - is bankrupt. Knight recently announced his new label, BlackBall (Not this Blackball), as reported on AllHipHop.com. It's first signee is a dude called Young Life. Meanwhile, Suge has apparently self-produced a reality TV show called "Unfinished Business." Here's the Wiki down-low:

The show is based on Knight dispelling long-standing rumors in sit down interviews, his days with Death Row and the artists he worked with, and finding new talent for his record label. As of June 2008, the show has not been picked up by any major network.

Here's what Suge said to Urban Flavorz TV: "It ain’t like the fake reality shit." (Read more at AllHipHop.com)

I'd be willing to bet that this dude is seriously pissed right now. It goes without saying, then, that I fear for our man Young Life.

Click HERE for the "Unfinished Business" trailer at rapbasement.com

BELOW: So afraid of the Big Bad Suge

Yo VIP! Let's kick it!

The Box Tops: "The Letter"

2008-09-09T16:21:00.000-04:00

What I'd like to dub "proportionally sound" blue-eyed soul. Alex Chilton would never again favor these vocal stylings, only occasionally pulling them out on tracks like "Don't Lie to Me." Enjoy.

Also, for those of you who don't know:

Pretty mega.

Goddam Job, Alcohol is the new Cocaine, Mavis Staples

2008-09-08T15:33:00.000-04:00

Above: Unnamed smoothie company forces employees to wear banana suits. Bystanders play the world's smallest violin.

I.

I've had many gripes over my twenty-one years. I complain a lot, it's just something I do. It therefore goes without saying that whenever I try to look for a job, the process is never a quiet one. I suppose I should have expected nothing from the NYC job market. And, for what it's worth, I really did try to expect nothing. Still, the bitterness I feel about it remains. But what canya do? You try to get a job writing something for someone. Almost anyone. As long as it isn't that damn Skynet industries or whatever that's always looking for interns and journeymen and what-have-yous on craigslist. Don't they know they're responsible for the terminator and the destruction of human civilization as we know it? What do you have to settle for? An interview with some trendy 5 or 6 out of 10 star pizza joint. I really tried to expect nothing and triumph. I've seen it work out before. But really, the deal is that you've got to be superconnected in this town. To money. Ancient money. That, or you've gotta be Hollywood Actor Beck Bristow. Chrissakes.

For more "I hate jobs" related stuff. Go to CODE 11, a sweet blog.

II.

Alcohol is the new cocaine. In the '80s people did coke. Also, this was true of the '70s. In the '60s it was weed and acid and fungus. The '90s were all about speed and ecstasy. I feel like the aughts is a throwback decade. (Yes, that empty) Right now we're re-living the heady epoch that immediately followed Prohibition. This period is known as the Great Depression.

III.

Mavis Staples is incredible. If you think you don't know her, you probably do. Either that or you've never heard "I'll Take You There," which says a lot about your character. Specifically, that it wants edge and vitality. I'm sorry I'm being so vicious. Well, only slightly sorry.

Below: Mavis Staples - "Eyes on the Prize"

Keeping Them Honest

2008-08-24T14:24:00.000-04:00

Last night I had the pleasure of staying up until 5 AM watching Team USA fend off the Spaniards right down to the wire for the gold medal. Having trampled the Spanish team with a 30+ point margin of victory when they met on the 15th, I naively assumed the Americans could just mail it in and win. Granted, I wouldn't have called it clean game by any stretch. The Spaniards fooled the officials with egregious flops throughout and were given free passes on several blatant travels. Priorities were placed squarely on offense, both teams ranged from mediocre to terrible on defense.

What caught me off guard was seeing guys like Juan Carlos Navarro and Rudy Fernandez cruising past NBA superstars for easy buckets. We all have our fantasy trade scenarios of seeing LeBron, Kobe, Kevin Garnett, and Dwight Howard on the same squad but watching the game last night put into perspective how stacking a team with immense talent doesn't equal easy success. I suppose you could also chalk up some of the deficiencies to Coach K's overly aggressive pressure defense method and the fact that the US team had to play small ball against the much taller Spanish team. I also don't particularly care for the distilled FIBA ruleset that overlooks key violations and rim interference.

All things considered, the offensive spectacle was visceral. Laser threes by Kobe and Wade, sharp cuts to the hoop by Lebron, and the occasional monster dunk provided by D12. In spite of the aforementioned, Team USA could never pull away for good as the Spaniards kept bringing themselves back into the contest. Their strength on the offensive boards truly brought pain upon the Americans, bringing their lead to just a few points as the fourth quarter began to wind down. With only a little over a minute left in the game, Kobe silenced all of Spain as he drew a 4-point play with a clutch three that benched Rudy Fernandez for the remainder of the game. The Spaniards lost their composure following that gaffe and earned a technical foul, by then it was essentially over as Springsteen's "Born In The USA" started playing over the arena PA while the American bench celebrated. Redeem team indeed, well done Team USA.

P.S. Carmelo Anthony still sucks.

Fats Wallin' - Here Comes Blubberlubber The Book!

2008-08-21T20:30:00.000-04:00

For fans of cartoons the world over.

My friend Dan Hay, a cartoonist in Florida, is putting out a book of his one-a-day sketches entitled Blubberlubber. The book's going to be available online via artsquaredbooks.com very shortly. More details as they come...

Dan maintains a hilarious blog of the same name right here: CLICK ME!

"Goin' Back"

2008-07-30T23:26:00.000-04:00

Fresh from viewing Christopher Nolan's entirely non-specific (though brilliant) noirish Gotham, my roommates and I are on the verge of signing a lease on a Brooklyn Appartment. Consequently I'm looking at a move back to the City in the coming weeks.

As for summertime in Florida, it's been like the ultimate (free) power cleanse. Don't call it that in public, though. It's the sweat, you know. The constant sweating, it, like, renews you. After a few minutes of "tha sweltah" you're basically beyond the point of complaint. Still, expect to hear things like, "This heat is just insane!" Just chime in with an affirmative response. Something like, "Amen brother!" will do. In the end it's all just an attempt at small talk. Your unconscious response to a lifetime of awkward silences.

I've never spent a summer in New York City. I guess if I had to put my expectations into words they would be: "tha sweltah 2: gittin' dirrrrtay"

Dirrrtay dirrtay,

ST

It's Still Half-Time, Right? (Update)

2008-07-10T23:39:00.000-04:00

Best of '08 prospectives:

Best new albums:

Thirst for Romance - Cherry Ghost
Do You Like Rock Music? - British Sea Power

Best classic revisited

Whatever and Ever Amen - Ben Folds Five

Best new songs:

"Mysterious Skin" - Orphans & Vandals
"Gobbledigook" - Sigur Ros
"Hear Ya Dance" - Andre Miller & The New Orleans Hellhounds
"Hopscotch Willie" - Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks
"More News From Nowhere" - Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

Best comic book read:

Watchmen - Alan Moore
The Killing Joke - Alan Moore

Best sports team ever:

Orlando Magic

Best new film:

The Dark Knight

Best TV Show:

Battlestar Galactica

Most Commanding Presence:

Barack Obama

Hottest Babe on Plane:t

Hillary Rodham Clinton
Chan Marshall

More categories to come??

End Game

2008-05-13T21:51:00.001-04:00

Here it comes....

The big K.O.

Expected on almost all fronts, but we all hoped it would go into round 3.

We'll see what happens in the off-season.

Stay tuned.

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds @ The Hammersmith Apollo

2008-05-08T19:10:00.000-04:00

When I go to concerts these days I often feel like I’m getting prematurely old. Today, at the Nick Cave show in West London, I thought back to the times when I was in high school and I would stand outside venues an hour before the doors opened. Now I can barely make it through half the opening act’s set without a couple of cold ones. That said, there are different types of crowds. Mostly, I like mild mannered, doe-eyed crowds. This is at least true when I go to a dedicated concert venue (your Hard Rock’s and HOB’s etc.), as opposed to a bar that has live music (where I actually tend to enjoy the music more and more).

When you’re standing in that pit before the stage, legs about to buckle all night long, the last thing you need is some mysterious farter really getting carried away with his anonymity. There’s also the “pusher.” You know who I’m talking about: that guy/girl who weasels his/her way up to the front row with a mouth half-open and eyes glazed. Definitely trample material. Drunks I’m usually okay with, but not if they’re going to flail arms and legs throughout the set, effectively rendering my $30 ticket the bill for a weekend self-defense class.

So. By now you’ve guessed that I had a gripe or two tonight as I stood waiting around for the Bad Seeds to play.

How were they? Well, pretty great. Was I surprised? No. Why’s that?

YouTube.

It saddens me to admit, but the accessibility of so many great performances on the net has somewhat taken away from my concert-going experiences of late. It’s the curse of our age, I guess. Computers have opened up this massive gateway to us. In this sense, YouTube and other online media sites are about as helpful as they are hurtful to today’s artists. People just aren’t content with the good, or even the great anymore. It’s got to be phenomenal. It’s got to defy expectations, and expectations continue to soar.

As I watched Nick Cave rant and rave across the stage like one of the many mad preachers and bowery shamans that populate his lyrics, I wondered why I wasn’t more impressed. The Bad Seeds were spot on, the lighting was great, sound was pretty good, and Cave is every bit the continuous font of blistering energy that he’s cracked up to be. Still, I couldn’t help feeling slightly underwhelmed.

Is it just me?

I saw a girl next to me texting a friend. She wrote something like “They are playing mostly new songs. It’s good but then I’ve just seen them so many times.” I almost felt the same way, even though this was my first time seeing the band live. Between DVDs like God is in the House and YouTube videos, I felt as though I already had a good idea of what the Seeds would be like. They met all of my expectations a little too precisely.

There was Dirty Three main-man Warren Ellis looking scraggly as ever: the dead-eyed mystic of the band. Up on the stage-left riser—Mick Harvey, powerhouse drummer of the Seeds, Grinderman, and the Birthday Party. Still, everyone’s locked on Mr. Cave. The man has serious charisma.

As I mentioned, Nick Cave seems to have become a character in one of his songs. Perhaps tonight’s show was successful—at least to me—because it served to reaffirm this fact in my mind. A lot of the time it seems as though he’s method acting. While there were several highlights tonight, the real showstoppers tended to be the character studies. Songs like “Red Right Hand,” “Dig, Lazarus, Dig,” and “Stagger Lee.” Cave literally becomes these characters when he performs their songs. It’s actually pretty incredible. “Stagger Lee,” which closed out the night, was positively demonic.

Staring out into a heaving sea of admirers (Cave’s cult resembles Morrissey’s on a slightly smaller scale), Cave’s delivery was pure pyromania. “So he walked through the rain and he walked through the mud, ‘til he came to a place called the bucket o’ blood! Stagger Lee.” The Seeds’ aerial assault bears down like fire and brimstone, and it’s hard to imagine Stagger Lee being anyone other than Nick’s alter ego.

In this sense I really was pretty impressed. Staggered, even. Still, when I think back to those early shows I attended as a teenager: the thrill of rock ‘n’ roll still raging through my veins, I can’t help but feel a little disheartened by the way my experience of concerts has changed. Maybe I’ve just seen too many bands. That said, I saw people at the show tonight who were clearly between 40 and 50. How do they keep it up? Are they just mid-life crises? I swear there were five to ten people up front who watched the entire show through their cell phones and digital cameras. What’s that all about? Are we really that bored?

I think about how great the band was tonight. How little it affected me. Should I still expect revelations out of rock music? What do I have to do to recapture that thrill?

P.S.
Other highlights from the show included “Papa Won’t Leave You Henry” from Henry’s Dream and “Hold On To Yourself,” from the new Dig, Lazarus, Dig LP. Some songs that were unfamiliar to me, such as “Tupelo” and “Nobody’s Baby Now,” were also good.

Orlando Magic vs. Detroit Pistons (Game 3)

2008-05-07T22:33:00.000-04:00

Not a sweep.

Trying out this new technique called "Dominance," Dwight Howard & the Orlando Magic brought some rusty Detroit Pistons to their knees tonight. If there's one thing I've learned about the NBA Playoffs this year, it's that home court advantage can make a whole universe of difference in a team's night.

The Magic stepped up its game as a team, to keep Motown under from start to finish. Furious defense and an equal turnover count (11 by both teams) contributed heavily.

Man of the hour was one Sweet Lew, who has grown over the last couple weeks to finally fill those big golden shoes we bought him in the off-season. No. 9 turned in a LeBron-esque night with 33 points, many of which were made up of morale-crushing three-pointers. Continuing along the road to greatness was the Howitzer, who added six blocks to his requisite double-double (20 pts, 12 rbs). Jameer Nelson played a superb game with 18, Dooling added a nasty 10 off the bench, and Hedo evidently remembered why we call him "Quatro," dropping another 18, which included some clutch mortar rounds when Rip Hamilton started looking hot.

It's a big win. No team who goes under 0-3 ever comes back to win a series. We've shown the Pistons we can deal with them. Still, it's just one win and it's a win at home. We're going to have to take the next game this Saturday, but more importantly, we have to win one at Auburn Hills.

As I noted in the last post, Chauncey Billups was the nightmare in Game 2. He got injured early in this contest, playing only four minutes. We can't forget what an incredible player this man is. If we let him run circles around us in Game 4, we're screwed.

The Magic shot absurdly well tonight. 53.8% of field goals went in. 45.8% of treys found their mark. We can be murderous when are shooting game is on. What worries me is that it's not going to be on all the time. The whole team played brilliantly tonight, but I hope they'll be able to keep up their intensity on the defensive end. We have to utilize our team's youth and height in the rest of this series. I trust head coach Stan Van Gundy to keep things in perspective, though. If we stay hungry in the paint and don't turn the ball over, we might just be able to send Detroit's old horse to the glue factory before long.

Final Score: Magic: 111 Pistons: 86

Orlando Magic vs. Detroit Pistons (Part Two)

2008-05-05T21:48:00.001-04:00

Well, it's been no-go for victory in Detroit so far. That said, the fight that the Magic put up tonight in the third and fourth quarters gives me some hope that they can and will develop into a playoff-hardened team sooner or later. Player of the night was Jameer Nelson (22 points, 7 rebounds, 4 assists), who hit several threes to put us back in the game midway through the third when things were looking very bad. It wasn't enough, unfortunately, to hold back 2004 Championship MVP Chauncey Billups from tearing up the court all night.

What interested me about tonight's game is the fact that it was only Billups that seemed to give us major problems. Defensive play was tighter and the team was able to draw a lot of fouls from Detroit's front court. Antonio McDyess fouled out of the game in the fourth, Rasheed Wallace came close with 5 personal fouls, and Jason Maxiell had 4.

If Stan Van Gundy has in fact worked out a way of curbing at least some of Detroit's main threats (Wallace and Rip Hamilton in particular) then hopes ought to be high for the next two games in Florida.

Orlando Magic vs. Detroit Pistons (Game 2)

2008-05-05T14:43:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday was awful. After being almost tied up at the half (43-42 Pistons), the Magic found themselves playing some of their worst basketball of the season. The Pistons have proven that they deserve to be where they are time and time again. They play well-balanced, and more importantly, consistent basketball.

Tonight we have to get a win. As much as I'd like the believe our players are able to put last year's horror story aside, I can't imagine it's not taking it's toll on their confidence. Yes, the Pistons were still hot from their win against the Sixers last week. Yes, the Magic were well-rested. There's no use trying to explain away the situation as it stands. If we don't win tonight, it's highly unlikely we'll be able to get up from under the boot. If we can get a win in Detroit now, we'll have the home court advantage we need to win this series.

Stan Van Gundy has undoubtedly been working these guys real hard over the past two days, retooling defensive match-ups and assessing Detroit's post-season shape. More importantly, though, our five starters need to shake the intimidation factor and get angry. There's been more than a little trash talk flying around recently, and it's getting to the point where something really needs to be done to counter it. A statement has to be made against this old-guard of the East. If we come out strong and turn up the energy on this aging team, we can very well win this.

Stats from Game 1 (from Orlando Magic Blog):

Orlando:

Hedo Turkoglu 18 pts (8 of 16 FGs), 7 rebounds; Rashard Lewis 18 pts (9 of 20 FGs), 7 rebounds; Dwight Howard 12 pts (5 of 11 FGs), 8 rebounds, 3 blocks. Bench: Keyon Dooling 7 pts (1 of 5 FGs)

Detroit:
Chauncey Billups 19 pts, 7 assists; Richard "Rip" Hamilton 17 pts, 6 rebounds; Jason Maxiell 12 pts, 9 rebounds, 3 blocks; Tayshaun Prince 12 pts, 8 rebounds, 5 assists. Bench: Antonio McDyess 10 pts, 5 rebounds.

Very few people take the Magic seriously. We've yet to prove ourselves as a winning franchise and it'll take a championship to silence the critics. Here's hoping they'll play their hearts out tonight and make an example of these jokers.

Orlando Magic vs. Detroit Pistons (Game 1)

2008-05-03T22:15:00.001-04:00

I really don't want to talk about it.

Great Job Chris, but it's O-VAH!

2008-05-01T19:58:00.000-04:00

Why Can't We Be Friends? Team USA in 2006. Bosh (2nd from Left) and Howard (Middle)

Props to Chris Bosh of the Toronto Raptors for his tenacity. He played his heart out during this last series, with an average of 24 points, 9 rebounds, and 4 assists. Tough luck Chris, maybe next year your team will play the Cavs or something.

Coldplay goes for broke on "Violet Hill," gets broke

2008-04-30T21:27:00.000-04:00

"Hey Will? You as bored as I am?"

I just listened to the new Coldplay single. It’s absolute trash.

Move along everyone! Nothing to see here! The well is dry.

If you were to try and graph the quality of Coldplay’s material over the last six years, you’d find that this moment has been a long time coming. Which moment is that you ask? The moment these guys hit rock bottom.

I used to love Coldplay. I’ve played and continue to play Parachutes to death. 2002’s A Rush of Blood to the Head was arena rock, but there was still a heart beating somewhere in the midst of all the dry ice. The band was still writing great songs: “Amsterdam,” “Warning Sign,” “The Scientist”—these were all outstanding pop songs. Even the epidemic “Clocks” was pretty good.

Fast-forward to 2005 and the band’s just put out the lackluster X&Y. Suddenly Coldplay is a band for the emotionally stunted. You’ve got your choice between sappy or just plain uncool. Whaddaya want?

This new album, their fourth full-length in eight years, was their chance to shock us all. It was their chance to prove that the nuanced melancholy of Parachutes wasn’t just a fluke.

If this new single, “Violet Hill,” is any indication, this will be the worst Coldplay album yet. I really don’t want to jump the gun, but I can’t help it. The band worked with Brian Eno on this thing. BRIAN ENO!! Why does Chris Martin want to be Bono so badly??? What’s sad is that I thought Brian Eno would do them some good. I thought maybe his perfectionism would force them to cut the crap and get back to the sincerity of those early tunes.

On “Violet Hill,” Coldplay make a slapdash attempt to sound like a progressive rock band. Opening up with this ambient noise that’s definitely designed to make me write “ethereal,” the song unfolds extremely awkwardly. Within seconds of Martin’s first line, “It was a long and dark December,” we get a power chord riff that’s straight Brian May, followed by some lines that vaguely hint at a traumatic wartime experience. The refrain, “If you love me won’t you let me know,” sounds like it was a throwaway tidbit intended for use in a Kanye West collaboration. The ending, on the other hand, is supposed to be “classic” Coldplay. You know, the tried-and-true stuff. Just Chris Martin singing gently over his piano. It's as messy as it sounds here.

In 2008, Coldplay doesn’t really know what kind of band they want to be. The name of the new album is—get ready for it— Viva la Vida OR Death and All His Friends. It even has songs with multiple, sub-titled segments to them, just like King Crimson used to do! But Coldplay are absolutely not King Crimson. They’re not Radiohead either; not U2; hell, they're not even Oasis. At the end of the day they’re just four guys in London who make stylish MOR. This is now embarrassingly clear.

Still, don’t take my word for it:

“Violet Hill” – Coldplay (As Available on Coldplay.com)

Meanwhile, Gwyneth Paltrow co-stars in this summer’s Iron Man!!!

Woo-hoo!

Magic win in Round 1

2008-04-28T22:23:00.000-04:00

I saw the above photo on ESPN.COM, and I had to add to my previous post. I can't sleep yet anyway. Let me just make clear, I've not been a dedicated Magic fan for long. I began to take interest in the team when my family hauled me along to a few games in the '06-'07 season. I followed casually from that point, and I completely missed the slaughter that occurred at the hands of the Pistons in last year's Playoffs (probably for the best). Halfway through this year something clicked, however, and now I can't get enough of this team.

In Orlando, right by our main highway, I4, there used to be a Magic store called the Fan-Attic. For the last ten years or so, it's been closed down. As far as I know, no one's bought the place and it just kind of stands there, sullenly sulking like the ghost of failure.

Well, now there could be a reason to reopen the place. What Howard, Turkoglu (who won this year's Most Improved Player Award), and Co. have achieved tonight is a true cause for celebration for Orlando fans. The curse clamped down on us in '96 has officially lifted. We go with our heads held high into round two. It'll be incredibly tough, especially if it does end up being against the Detroit Pistons, but we now have forward motion and a reason to be confident in ourselves. Even if we don't win in our second series, the '07-'08 Season will have been a success. Team building has to continue, but we've got one successful playoff experience under our belts, a solid coach with a great attitude, and a generous helping of phenomenal talent on our side.

Player of the night tonight is tough to judge, but I think it's gotta be Howard. With his third 20-20 stat sheet in the series, he's asserted and re-asserted his role as leader of this team. He's an All-Star with a great future ahead of him and he'll be our point-man on the rocky road to Championship contention in the coming years.

Congrats guys.

Orlando Magic vs. Toronto Raptors Game 5

2008-04-28T21:51:00.001-04:00

Here's the stat sheet:

Howard: 21 pts, 21 rbs, 3 bs
Turkoglu: 12 pts, 8 rbs, 9 ast
Lewis: 18 pts, 13 rbs
Nelson:19 pts
Evans: 12 pts
Bogans: 11 pts
Dooling: 9 pts

WE WIN. 102-92. Ownership.

Lookout Round 2.

"Maybelline" (Live Chuck Berry Cover) - The Replacements

2008-04-28T19:11:00.000-04:00

Just a quick post before the game starts. The Replacements are one of my favorite bands. I only stumbled upon them last year and if you're not familiar with them yet, this video is a good place to start. I also recently read a feature piece on PopMatters about the band, which I think is a great introduction as well. Anyway, the best part of the Replacements was their unique way of simultaneously subverting every rock cliche (posturing, gloating) as well as wholly succumbing to them (getting completely plastered before shows). On top of this, they played breakneck rock 'n' roll songs with interesting, insightful lyrics and an overwhelming sense of adolescent honesty.

They nicknamed themselves the Placemats, so you'll sometimes see them referred to as the 'Mats. Read the article if you get the chance. The song in the video is originally a Chuck Berry tune, though singer Paul Westerberg makes up a lot of his own lyrics (mostly unintelligible) as he goes along.

Live in '81:

Buy Replacements CDs from Newbury Comics!

Orlando Magic vs. Toronto Raptors Game 4 (Part 2)

2008-04-26T17:41:00.000-04:00

YES!!!!

So we go home with three wins under our belt. It was a close game, painful to watch, but we did it. Two clutch threes at the end of the fourth had their intended effect. In spite of a huge showing from Bosh (39 points and 15 boards!), the raptors choked and we took advantage in a big way. Dwight gave another epic performance with 19 points, 16 rebounds, and 8 blocked shots. Also rockin' was Sweet Lew. He hit his threes late to give us hope and sap the last of Toronto's energy. 27 points, 12 grabs off the glass, and 5 assists. Hedo played admirably, if short on heroics. Nelson was player of the night, soldiering on and nabbing 10 of his 18 in the 4th while combatting back spasms and soaring above and beyond expectations.

The Raptors went foul crazy in the last minutes of the 4th, hoping to achieve God knows what. They'll get slaughtered at the Amway Arena next week, so we'll tolerate their childishness for now.

Also:

Suck it, Calderon!!